My Toxic Life…


In life I choose to sit in the familiar pain and endure what comes into my life. I do not listen to my instincts, even when my entire body is telling me to run. This is a negative attribution of a severe abandonment issue from the ones I love and that should have loved me, instead leaving me and pushing me off onto someone else. There are so many signs to a toxic relationship that we turn a blind eye to in hope that “they” will change when in reality the necessary thing to do is that we change our expectancy of what we want out of the relationship. Let me explain, you can’t expect a Chiwawa to be a yellow lab, what I mean by that is you can’t take a Chiwawa out duck hunting and expect it to retrieve a duck the same as a Lab would, the same is true in humans. An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, recovering or not at one time in their life they had an issue with alcohol that has destroyed relationships or they would not be called an alcoholic. Personally I can have a drink and stop, not letting it ever interfere with my life. So many of my relationships have created damage in my life that I was forced to learn to set boundaries, if this means never talking to that person again so be it. Learning to embrace your intuition and what is best for YOU and the relationship desired. Over the last 7 years I have chosen to remove many toxic people from my life, and I’m learning that no matter who you are to me or what your “status” is you are removable, if you become toxic.

I have not had a relationship with my mother for going on 8 years now and have lost many others along the way, step father, step mother and countless people that I called “friends” all with the hope to gain control of ME… I’m going to be 32 years old this year and I’m just now gaining control of my life due to the destruction and trauma that I have sustained. Abused mentally, physically and emotionally was an everyday occurrence, so common in fact that I didn’t know how bad it was until we had children of our own, beginning a new chapter in my story. Very quickly we began to build walls trying to protect our children from all the damage around and at the same time learning what the damage was and who was inflicting it. My life has taken a turn for the better in hopes that I myself haven’t damaged our children, knowing now and remembering back I see there has been some. Beginning to rebuild my relationship with my daughters, family members and my wife is my goal and in doing that I’m finding out who I am. Some of life’s questions are being unveiled and new light being shed on the dark places I haven’t been to in a long time. How do you trust when everyone in your life has lied to you? Trying to find out how to retrieve answers was my lifelong goal, now trying to find rest in the fact that some answers will never be answered and that some people, no matter how hard you try will never be what you want them to be… As for me finding who I am has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on and most of it takes place on the inside…


Waiting For You to Show….


How much time do we spend waiting? Waiting on answers, waiting for the right time to have children waiting on the stock market to turn. We all have something we are waiting on, I spent most of my adolescence searching for answers to life and waiting for the answers.

The story I’m going to tell is my story of waiting. I was a lost 14 year old with many adult issues yet I was far from an adult. Trying to fit in somewhere and with anyone I began to gather a laundry list of minor crimes from vandalism and having “fun” to the final act of destruction. I was arrested and placed on probation in the summer of ’95 at the age of 15. After bouncing around from family member to family member for over a year I landed into the right place at the right time, “chance” or so I thought. I began to attend a church and was not feeling it, however my options were limited. So I remained open for the adventure, little did I know it was the one single act that I can put a finger on and say “This is where you showed up”. I began to attend every Sunday and youthgroup on Wednesday and man was it a foreign feeling, all the singing and hands raised in the air. what was going on, was all I remember thinking. As time went by I began to feel my heart hurt, like trying to breath but not being able to take a full breath, He began to show up. I fought the feelings for a long time and even ran away from them cursing and yelling at the feelings to “leave me alone”. My family continued to show me love, still not sure if it was real or fake I resisted all their attempts to help me. Continuing into the war with my heart and what God was trying to show me I began to hide in alcohol and drugs, hide from the feeling that I haven’t felt and were not a normal manageable pain for me. just as I thought I had out ran the feelings I run into someone from my past, a girl. We knew one another but had never talked before this night. Being the cool guy I was I made her sit in the back seat so my friend can sit shotgun. I to this day will never forget her eyes in the mirror, in between the shakes of the bass from my stereo,  I see her looking at me. like she had something to say, she locked eyes with me every time I looked. That was where you showed up, in the eyes of a lost girl. I looked into her eyes and saw my reflection staring back at me. That was our first date, that was the day my friends started to become number 2 to the girl from the back seat. Shortly after our relationship started she received the news she was being asked to leave her home due to differences of opinion “rebellion”, and she would have to move out of state. I was crushed! I remember the emotions rushing in like a flood and not one was controllable. We stayed up all night talking about what we could do but I have never felt the confusion as I did that night. later that night my aunt heard about what was going on with her and came to us and said the words I will never forget “Scott, we would like to take her in”. I had no clue how to respond. This was a love that I didn’t know existed. God had a plan, I ran and hid from him, I cursed his name, I hated him for the hell he let me go through my entire life and just as I thought I had him beat he showed up in the form of a girl and 2 family members that had the capacity in their hearts for me. The love that I was showed that night has driven me to reach for the unseen. I now call it Faith, and the girl is now my wife, my heart has the love of Jesus running through it and 15 years later I am no longer waiting for him to show up. He was always with me.

To This Day

To this day I feel the pain of being not quite good enough to have what I needed as a child, almost good enough to have the love of the ones who were designed to love me, only to  fall short of dreams I had as a child.

Growing up to destroy old patterns and break the cycle formally known as my life by showing our children how to live without explaining why dad is living in another house, or not having to explain what happened to my other family and why I have 2 moms and why I have more grandparents than all of my friends combined, to never have to ask do you love me because every night at 8:00 there are 2 children that will not go to bed unless I fluff there covers and a wife that can calm the raging storm that builds inside me by making eye contact with me. I was bullied, I was the outsider only popular because of a gift of comedy and the want to fit in at all costs, self preservation was not high on my list of priorities, To This Day I question what life could be like, but look at me now…. I am a successful father, husband and friend, and I’m thankful that my childhood dream didn’t come true, I never would have seen the beauty that my life has in store for me everyday.

We are all capable of destroying or building with the simple use of our words, so take the time to show love to everyone, go out of your way and remove yourself from your comfort zone and place your hand on a shoulder or take a second to make eye contact because you never know what it might change in someone’s life.Image

One without the Other


We have all felt it in our lives at one time or another, the striving and learning how to be better with the hope of experience the one common emotion we all need, love. When we find love it begins with the common acceptance of two different lives with similar interests. The feelings that are felt, the thoughts that begin to take over our minds and the calm that only comes when they are near are the best ways to describe in words what love feels like. They call it “falling in love” for a reason, it’s not called strolling into love. Falling is an uncontrollable feeling that we all can relate to. Young love is one of the most intense feelings I personally have felt.  It has been the beginning of two people growing together; creating a bond that when fed and nurtured can become immeasurable and life changing.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 13 years and if there is one thing I have learned it’s that our relationship has grown into one of the strongest bonds I have had in my life. My wife has been by my side through some times in our lives where we have experienced the most change “good and bad”, and during that time our own beliefs, opinions, and ideas begin to develop and take shape creating one single life together, at the same time growing in our own lives and learning how to lean on one another. I can’t help but feel closer to her as time goes by; my wife is the one person that has had the most important influence during the most crucial development periods in my life. Sometimes we suffer through terrible life situations, only to truly appreciate the good times we have in our lives. Our life together has had a funny way of working, either driving a wedge between one another separating and destroying the love we had in a relationship that was not healthy or pushing so hard that there is no other way to manage life’s pressure  other than to cling to one another. One day it will all become clear why we were blessed with the life God has provided us with the opportunity to have. There is no autopilot or cruise control; it takes work, sacrifice and determination and it is up to us to build up or tear down what we have. We are all broken and flawed; we all need look inside and change our mindset to mold into a better “us” and to become a true example for others to follow.