My Toxic Life…


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In life I choose to sit in the familiar pain and endure what comes into my life. I do not listen to my instincts, even when my entire body is telling me to run. This is a negative attribution of a severe abandonment issue from the ones I love and that should have loved me, instead leaving me and pushing me off onto someone else. There are so many signs to a toxic relationship that we turn a blind eye to in hope that “they” will change when in reality the necessary thing to do is that we change our expectancy of what we want out of the relationship. Let me explain, you can’t expect a Chiwawa to be a yellow lab, what I mean by that is you can’t take a Chiwawa out duck hunting and expect it to retrieve a duck the same as a Lab would, the same is true in humans. An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, recovering or not at one time in their life they had an issue with alcohol that has destroyed relationships or they would not be called an alcoholic. Personally I can have a drink and stop, not letting it ever interfere with my life. So many of my relationships have created damage in my life that I was forced to learn to set boundaries, if this means never talking to that person again so be it. Learning to embrace your intuition and what is best for YOU and the relationship desired. Over the last 7 years I have chosen to remove many toxic people from my life, and I’m learning that no matter who you are to me or what your “status” is you are removable, if you become toxic.

I have not had a relationship with my mother for going on 8 years now and have lost many others along the way, step father, step mother and countless people that I called “friends” all with the hope to gain control of ME… I’m going to be 32 years old this year and I’m just now gaining control of my life due to the destruction and trauma that I have sustained. Abused mentally, physically and emotionally was an everyday occurrence, so common in fact that I didn’t know how bad it was until we had children of our own, beginning a new chapter in my story. Very quickly we began to build walls trying to protect our children from all the damage around and at the same time learning what the damage was and who was inflicting it. My life has taken a turn for the better in hopes that I myself haven’t damaged our children, knowing now and remembering back I see there has been some. Beginning to rebuild my relationship with my daughters, family members and my wife is my goal and in doing that I’m finding out who I am. Some of life’s questions are being unveiled and new light being shed on the dark places I haven’t been to in a long time. How do you trust when everyone in your life has lied to you? Trying to find out how to retrieve answers was my lifelong goal, now trying to find rest in the fact that some answers will never be answered and that some people, no matter how hard you try will never be what you want them to be… As for me finding who I am has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on and most of it takes place on the inside…

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