This is a great video and explanation of how Faith and Science are connected. One cannot exist without the other.
Life has a way of guiding you in and out of some very unique situations, and I’m learning that the quiet voice that tries to guide me should not be ignored. For so many years due to pride, shame and the lies I tell myself I did not hear you. This month has been one of the worst months yet, in a long time and at the same time I have seen God around every corner and also in the overwhelming amount of love and support we have received.
On May 1st my wife went in for a routine surgery on her L5, S1 area of her back. After only a couple hours she was released to go home, too early in my opinion. We had a terrible time figuring out what to do for the pain and how to manage the nausea and that lasted for about 4 days with nonstop pain management that was clearly not working. Once we got ahead of the pain we learned to manage it a little better. Then there was the 3 days of bliss that came after the pain was gone, the third day was the day I got my wife back, the house was full of love, smiles and laughter that has been missing for so long due to the chronic pain she was in every day.
The next morning I received and emergency phone call from home, something was not right. The pain is back and not at a manageable level. I rushed home to see my beautiful wife in a complete meltdown of pain and emotions. We worked with the doctors about the pain and adjusted the pain meds to help manage the pain; we lay together for hours upon hours trying to figure out what we were going to do.
Mother’s day we decided to go to the ER to manage the pain, they got us on track with the pain and we went home mid-day with directions to contact our surgeon on Monday morning. First thing Monday we called and an appointment for another MRI was scheduled for Thursday morning, “Thursday morning” that was so far away I remember thinking. Well Thursday came and our MRI was less then favorable, she had herniated her disc again. So exhausted, we met with the surgeon, he looked at the pictures of my wife’s back and said “you are not going home” we are admitting you into the hospital and your surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at 0730…. Our hearts sank deep in our stomachs as reality of what he had said to us set in. We already had surgery for this! It went great was the report we received and we are not prepared for this, our children, our dogs what are we going to do?
At 0730 today my wife went in for her second surgery in the last 2 weeks on her back. The surgery was very quick in and out do to the past surgery paving the way. She is now in recovery and again my mind is racing with thoughts of the “what if’s” and my stomach has knots thinking of what the next step is. Back in the room now and the pain is different, now it seems to be in her back “where it should be” not in her leg. That is a good sign, we expect to have pain where the sight of the surgery was, not in the leg but it is not uncommon to have some residual pain from the nerve that has been pinched for so long.
As she begins to drift off I am thankful for her being in my life and that God has given me the opportunity to be the man she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with. This time alone with my wife over the past 17 days I have reached a level with my wife I didn’t know existed, we have cried together because we were both so tired we could not think straight, we have seen God working through friends and family pouring out of love on us and we have heard the voice clear telling us these words, “let go”… We are not in control; we are a vessel created to carry out the simple act of love.
As many of you might already know some others might not. Last Wednesday my wife had back surgery on her L5 S1 after many years of pain and has been completely immobile. Now being the “I got this” man that I love to be, I had time off work planned, mentally preparing to take children to and from school, keep up on the house and laundry… No problem right? YEA, sure my day starts at 5:00 AM and I get home around 5:00 PM then the work begins. Thanks to a great support group many of our friends and family began to make dinners and little acts of service and kindness for my wife and I. it has become more apparent how much of a team we are, when one of us are down it places a lot of pressure on the other. This is a marriage, this is a family and this is love. The sacrifices that everyone has made to help us in this time of need holds a special place in our hearts such a blessing, and helps more than they will ever know.
My heart is full with the love of God shown in his people. Thank you to everyone… The Jenkins family
Today I make a stand and create walls, not the walls of negativity, not the walls of shame. I choose to create walls of empowerment, walls to control my destiny and walls to create a safe place for me and my family to grow. To learn, to love and protect one another.
My life has been driven by the torment of guilt, covered by the shame of the abuse I have suffered and led by the thoughts of others. I am a husband, father and friend, my choice is driven from the huge heart that God has given me. I will no longer hold onto the grudges of others, live in the shame or change my goal because of others opinions.
My family has been destroyed by drugs, alcoholism, pedophiles, hate, greed and many other life changing events. I have been left alone, lied to and traumatized my entire childhood by many of the ones who “love” me. I know what pain is, I know what it feels like to be alone, and I choose to never let our children feel any of that. If that means I bear my skin and open myself up to the vicious society we live in and hold them safe from the negativity in our family then I proudly do so. Setting a boundary is not something I am great at but I’m learning, and finding how to do it with grace is even harder. I have removed many people from my life, daily I think to myself “when is enough, enough”. Learning how to separate without destroying a relationship is the hardest obstacle yet I believe one of the most important. Trying to remove walls I have built with the ones I love while the entire time being stuck in a “self preservation” mode. I tend to shut out my wife, my children and friends, a wall goes up, a wall comes down… and so the cycle continues
I am the oldest of 7, ages from 32 to 12 and the dynamics of a broken home are hard to take into consideration when growing. My mother and father have been married and remarried many times each time creating a new chapter in my life story and I’m finding it hard to document and grasp a timeline, everything seems to overlap and mix together, the “lost” feelings are at times overwhelming and confusing. Trying to share my life’s experience with my family with grace and learning that they will not all agree with the process I have chosen has been hard to express. Still feeling the need of acceptance by my family and at the same time re-opening old wounds in my life is becoming quite a juggling act. With the full support of my wife and friends I continue to write with the hopes of freeing myself from the chains I have placed on myself. I want my life to improve the lives of others in my family not become their torment and shame, especially in our children. My dream is that they will grow to know what real love is, not a pre-misconception of what the world thinks love is. The damage that the world will inflict is enough and knowing that I cannot keep them safe from the choices they will make I see the importance of a good foundation for them to walk into the story of their lives with…
I have a verse I stand on:
Ephesians 6:11-13 New International Version (NIV)
11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
My wife has a verse I have fell in love with as well:
Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
During my life I have met some incredibly intelligent people always trying to impress me or teach me something. The one man who did none of these is the one that made an everlasting impression deep in my heart.
This is the story of Paul, he was much older than me so naturally being a young boy I was driven towards him as a father figure. Learning about everything from a common Stag Beetle to what plants we can eat and ones to stay away from. His method of teaching was to this day not matched by anyone in my life, partly because of who he was becoming to me.
Walks and hikes at the old Asylum lake happened every chance we got and I remember thinking one day “are we ever going to run out of things to lean about”. The answer is no, every rock had something new and every tributary a new lesson to be learned.
Paul was very active in our community church and Sunday was a day of Sabbath in his home. Going to church, lunch/dinner and a night of swinging together on the front porch swing talking about baseball and how Mallard ducks mate for life was a typical Sunday. You see “I believe” Paul had what we call today as ADD and having this issue myself our conversations were for our ears only, due to the fact that Sue could not keep up with the fast jumping from one topic to another. So begins the rebuilding of a once broken family and learning how to trust again.
I never felt second class or lesser in the eyes of Paul and Sue; in reality I was everything to them, like a couple that prayed for a child but never one of their own and the entire time knowing they had may other children, I felt it to be more of a blessing to be wanted by someone that had previously raised children. I was wanted, I was loved and it was not forced by the courts that they took me in; it was the kindness of their own hearts.
After many years I began to feel like a normal child not an abandon child and just as fast as it came a slow change began to take over. With the feelings becoming more and more uncomfortable I began to separate from them, weeks turning into months and months to years I began to get a feeling that something was not right in the house, like a feeling of déjà vu a small separation began to create a large wedge between all of us and I began to stay away longer and longer and stay with friends more and more. Going back to visit once and a while and not for very long, many years went by and we did not talk. I began to live my own life and doing my own thing.
In the late 90’ Paul had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, this was the beginning of the “nothing would ever be the same” feeling, once again my family was becoming broken. Paul was in a nursing home for many years suffering from Alzheimer’s until 2012 when he passed away from the disease. One of my brothers, my father and two uncles came from their lives and from all over the us to meet in Michigan and take his remains to his childhood neighborhood cemetery in a very small town in south IN to put him to his final rest. I put a piece of me in the ground that day as we stood next to one another remembering our story of the man named Paul.
Paul was not simply a man in my life he was my grandfather and he was for most of my early childhood my father, friend and life coach. To many others they will remember him for who he was to them good or bad I choose to remember Paul for the man he was to me.
This song has changed my life and has touches my heart. I have seen Jeremy Camp many times and to this day it grasps my heart when I hear it. My passion in life is to help youth overcome the issues and trauma that can change the path of life away from Jesus. My Desire, has shown this passion in my life. enjoy and I hope you can relate to the words to this song.
Today I sit in a waiting room alone with piece in my heart knowing you are in control. As they announce “Mr. Jenkins your wife has begun her surgery” my heart drops into my stomach. The feeling of being alone is a very painful feeling for me, yet over the last 2 years it has been a more and more commonly felt feeling. I know that without pain there will be no growth, so I stand on my faith. Learning how to be alone and be in a healthy place is my new journey, there is no escape what’s inside our minds or what our heart feels. Right now I have a great teacher and a lesson that I am below average at. Music and art were my escapes, I’m finding that I can no longer draw from pain and music is no longer soothing to my soul. I have one choice, stand tall and face my heavenly teacher or turn my back on him and run back into the dark. The feelings of empowerment are overwhelming and at times a bit alien to the way my mind meet my emotions, so I stand, but not tall yet. The love of our friends and family is the life blood that is teaching me to stand, all that is yet is reach out my hand and take yours. Thank you for your time and in your time I will be the man you have planned for me to be.