Today I make a stand and create walls, not the walls of negativity, not the walls of shame. I choose to create walls of empowerment, walls to control my destiny and walls to create a safe place for me and my family to grow. To learn, to love and protect one another.
My life has been driven by the torment of guilt, covered by the shame of the abuse I have suffered and led by the thoughts of others. I am a husband, father and friend, my choice is driven from the huge heart that God has given me. I will no longer hold onto the grudges of others, live in the shame or change my goal because of others opinions.
My family has been destroyed by drugs, alcoholism, pedophiles, hate, greed and many other life changing events. I have been left alone, lied to and traumatized my entire childhood by many of the ones who “love” me. I know what pain is, I know what it feels like to be alone, and I choose to never let our children feel any of that. If that means I bear my skin and open myself up to the vicious society we live in and hold them safe from the negativity in our family then I proudly do so. Setting a boundary is not something I am great at but I’m learning, and finding how to do it with grace is even harder. I have removed many people from my life, daily I think to myself “when is enough, enough”. Learning how to separate without destroying a relationship is the hardest obstacle yet I believe one of the most important. Trying to remove walls I have built with the ones I love while the entire time being stuck in a “self preservation” mode. I tend to shut out my wife, my children and friends, a wall goes up, a wall comes down… and so the cycle continues
I am the oldest of 7, ages from 32 to 12 and the dynamics of a broken home are hard to take into consideration when growing. My mother and father have been married and remarried many times each time creating a new chapter in my life story and I’m finding it hard to document and grasp a timeline, everything seems to overlap and mix together, the “lost” feelings are at times overwhelming and confusing. Trying to share my life’s experience with my family with grace and learning that they will not all agree with the process I have chosen has been hard to express. Still feeling the need of acceptance by my family and at the same time re-opening old wounds in my life is becoming quite a juggling act. With the full support of my wife and friends I continue to write with the hopes of freeing myself from the chains I have placed on myself. I want my life to improve the lives of others in my family not become their torment and shame, especially in our children. My dream is that they will grow to know what real love is, not a pre-misconception of what the world thinks love is. The damage that the world will inflict is enough and knowing that I cannot keep them safe from the choices they will make I see the importance of a good foundation for them to walk into the story of their lives with…
I have a verse I stand on:
Ephesians 6:11-13 New International Version (NIV)
11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
My wife has a verse I have fell in love with as well:
Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.