A quiet voice, “Let Go”


Life has a way of guiding you in and out of some very unique situations, and I’m learning that the quiet voice that tries to guide me should not be ignored. For so many years due to pride, shame and the lies I tell myself I did not hear you. This month has been one of the worst months yet, in a long time and at the same time I have seen God around every corner and also in the overwhelming amount of love and support we have received.

On May 1st my wife went in for a routine surgery on her L5, S1 area of her back. After only a couple hours she was released to go home, too early in my opinion. We had a terrible time figuring out what to do for the pain and how to manage the nausea and that lasted for about 4 days with nonstop pain management that was clearly not working. Once we got ahead of the pain we learned to manage it a little better. Then there was the 3 days of bliss that came after the pain was gone, the third day  was the day I got my wife back, the house was full of love, smiles and laughter that has been missing for so long due to the chronic pain she was in every day.

The next morning I received and emergency phone call from home, something was not right. The pain is back and not at a manageable level. I rushed home to see my beautiful wife in a complete meltdown of pain and emotions. We worked with the doctors about the pain and adjusted the pain meds to help manage the pain; we lay together for hours upon hours trying to figure out what we were going to do.

Mother’s day we decided to go to the ER to manage the pain, they got us on track with the pain and we went home mid-day with directions to contact our surgeon on Monday morning. First thing Monday we called and an appointment for another MRI was scheduled for Thursday morning, “Thursday morning” that was so far away I remember thinking. Well Thursday came and our MRI was less then favorable, she had herniated her disc again. So exhausted, we met with the surgeon, he looked at the pictures of my wife’s back and said “you are not going home” we are admitting you into the hospital and your surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at 0730…. Our hearts sank deep in our stomachs as reality of what he had said to us set in. We already had surgery for this! It went great was the report we received and we are not prepared for this, our children, our dogs what are we going to do?

At 0730 today my wife went in for her second surgery in the last 2 weeks on her back. The surgery was very quick in and out do to the past surgery paving the way. She is now in recovery and again my mind is racing with thoughts of the “what if’s” and my stomach has knots thinking of what the next step is. Back in the room now and the pain is different, now it seems to be in her back “where it should be” not in her leg. That is a good sign, we expect to have pain where the sight of the surgery was, not in the leg but it is not uncommon to have some residual pain from the nerve that has been pinched for so long.

As she begins to drift off I am thankful for her being in my life and that God has given me the opportunity to be the man she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with. This time alone with my wife over the past 17 days I have reached a level with my wife I didn’t know existed, we have cried together because we were both so tired we could not think straight, we have seen God working through friends and family pouring out of love on us and we have heard the voice clear telling us these words, “let go”… We are  not in control; we are a vessel created to carry out the simple act of love.

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