Being selfish comes naturally to most of us. The area of selfishness is not what the focus should be on, the focus should be on the why. Why are we selfish? It can be an area in our lives that have been neglected or maybe an over compensation striving to be better. Whatever the reason may be that is where the growth should begin.
A couple years ago my wife and I began to step out of our comfort zones a bit and she took a job working for a ministry that would require time away from home two times a year April and October. Let me tell you a little backstory to help understand the feelings behind the story.
Our childhoods were very similar in that we came from broken homes. Drugs, alcohol, many different types of abuse changed our outlook on life and abandoned by many that should have loved us.
Our crazy lives crashed into one another summer of 1998 and it did not slow down for a few years after that but when it did is where our journey began to take a detour in the right direction. We were married in 2000 and shortly after began to have a family. Now with two daughters not much has separated us through the years. Other than our wedding night we went the better part of eleven years together every day. I was her comfort zone and she was mine. So when the question came up about the position I was almost sick with fear. Thinking of her being gone eleven days, two times a year made my heart sink into a familiar yet uncomfortable place in my stomach. A place that I haven’t felt in some time, a place of abandonment “what would I do if she doesn’t return”?
The feeling all began to rush in and she didn’t even have the position yet. After talking and wrestling with thought of her taking the position or not we decided to accept and took the step out into this unfamiliar life and she was hired.
Fast forward a few years, she has been away several times now and every time I fight the selfish feelings, thinking “again, you have to go again”? But what a blessing, the people, the environment and the meaning behind what she does, it’s perfect. Now I don’t mean the “yea we could handle this” kind of perfect, I mean it is what God was preparing her life for kind of perfect.
So much of my focus has been on the void, the missing, the what if’s. Life was not meant to be lived out of fear and discontent, we are meant to be free.
I have been living out of void in my life for so long it feels scary to step out of it sometimes. So much of my life has been focusing on the emptiness or what I might be lacking. So I begin to fight the feelings of abandonment that burn so deep I can taste them and the pain of loved ones that have never been there for me. Only to show myself that I can overcome and I understand. I understand the torment of the void and that is not where my God wants me to be. He has created me to be unique, he has given me the gift.
The longer I live in the void the deeper it becomes and the worse the scars become. My void is beginning to close, like a wound healing slow and sometimes painful fully understanding life may never be the same after living out of the void.