Feeling the pain from the past, my first response it to hide from the ones who love me, hide in shame for what I have done to the ones I love and let the flood of contempt take over my life.
At this time in my life I am on a journey to open wounds and remove the “need” or the desire to live from the pain of the past. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour I feel the rollercoaster of emotions, grasping to the ones I trust as I continue working on being a better person. The realization that this is going to be a long journey and fighting the feelings to plan it all out in advance is the hardest step for me at this time, trying to stay here in the “now” and live without letting my old habits consume my thoughts is taking every ounce of energy I have.
As I begin to see that I’m not going on this journey alone and breaking down my walls I have spent so much time building is my first step and finding others to come along side me as I work through this time in my life and beginning the process of building this action called trust.
Here is a section out of a book I am planning on starting soon, “Yesterday, I cried”: Celebrating the lessons of living and loving by Iyanla Vanzant
“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them”
It is a perfect description of the real life pain and necessity to dig deep into the dirty nasty past and to begin the process to end the destruction from continuing in our lives and limiting our future. We all want to be better, we all strive to live the best lives we can, so why is it so hard to change? Why I am so attached to the way act and almost embrace the broken man I am? How can I show up as a father, friend and husband?
My process is going to be ugly, nasty, and messy and worth every second of the anguish I am going through! I am not satisfied with who I am, I see the future as a bright, loving and nourishing environment for me and my family. Hour by hour I fight to keep this small seed alive, today is a new day, today is a good day, today I feel a few steps in the right direction and tomorrow is not today.
I will deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes, as for today I am here, I am happy and I am ready to take the few steps for today…
Thank you for taking the time to read this and for the many prayers for me and my family as we learn to enter an area of healing in all our lives.
I know I’m not alone and it’s conversations with people just like you that give me the inspiration to go on my journey to become a new me and most important “to me” thank you for being who you are to me to everyone in my life.