Glimpse of a new life


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Feeling the pain from the past, my first response it to hide from the ones who love me, hide in shame for what I have done to the ones I love and let the flood of contempt take over my life.

At this time in my life I am on a journey to open wounds and remove the “need” or the desire to live from the pain of the past. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour I feel the rollercoaster of emotions, grasping to the ones I trust as I continue working on being a better person. The realization that this is going to be a long journey and fighting the feelings to plan it all out in advance is the hardest step for me at this time, trying to stay here in the “now” and live without letting my old habits consume my thoughts is taking every ounce of energy I have.

As I begin to see that I’m not going on this journey alone and breaking down my walls I have spent so much time building is my first step and finding others to come along side me as I work through this time in my life and beginning the process of building this action called trust. 

 

Here is a section out of a book I am planning on starting soon, “Yesterday, I cried”: Celebrating the lessons of living and loving by Iyanla Vanzant

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them”

 

It is a perfect description of the real life pain and necessity to dig deep into the dirty nasty past and to begin the process to end the destruction from continuing in our lives and limiting our future. We all want to be better, we all strive to live the best lives we can, so why is it so hard to change? Why I am so attached to the way act and almost embrace the broken man I am? How can I show up as a father, friend and husband?

My process is going to be ugly, nasty, and messy and worth every second of the anguish I am going through! I am not satisfied with who I am, I see the future as a bright, loving and nourishing environment for me and my family. Hour by hour I fight to keep this small seed alive, today is a new day, today is a good day, today I feel a few steps in the right direction and tomorrow is not today.

 

I will deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes, as for today I am here, I am happy and I am ready to take the few steps for today…

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for the many prayers for me and my family as we learn to enter an area of healing in all our lives.

 I know I’m not alone and it’s conversations with people just like you that give me the inspiration to go on my journey to become a new me and most important “to me” thank you for being who you are to me to everyone in my life.

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Field of Grass


Loss, we all think of it as somthing different, some think of a loved one that has passed away, some think of it as a friend that they haven’t seen in a long time or some of us see it as the nudge we needed to start the change to become who we are supposed to be.

Everyone that knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, that will never change it’s who I am. But there are many other areas of my life that are in need of some work. The walls we build to protect ourselves from harm can also set us up to be alone when the storm of life comes. We are not designed to be alone, we are ment to have relationships. This is were I fall apart, I know how to have “a” relationship, and the pressure that places on the other is too much for anyone to handle.

How do we re learn something that has taken us most of our adult lives to learn, how do we rewire our thinking and join the logic of the brain with the emotions of the heart? Feel free to chime in at any time because I’m completely lost on this one. I fight my head with my heart and that seems to be a failure so far.

With a mind full of garbage and baggage from the past, mixed with the damage done to my heart my mind spinning out of control so much in fact that I’m struggling to stand on truth in the “now” without hearing it first hand from time to time.

Thinking to myself “why do I feel the way I feel”, “why do I act the way I act”? What should I be like, how should I act?

When I was growing up I never really had a dream, “I want to be a doctor or an astronaut”. I remember wanting to be something, that’s all, I wanted to be something to someone. I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to feel what I saw on TV as a child. Slowly as I grew older I realized that TV was not real and that some people are just as broken as who I have became.

Truth is I am a great father and I struggle on any relationship I enter. I have people that would love to be my friend, and I build walls to hold them back. I have a wife that I love with everything I am, and my mind spins with confusion when asked what love is. This is broken, I see the plan, I feel the draw of family and friends and fail to show up for any of it.

I will not let this stop me, I can be a great friend to many people, I can be a better father and I will become a husband to my wife that blesses her as God intended me to.

I do not see failure when I look into the mirror however I do see confusion and desire to change.

I am alone, standing in a field of grass, no roads in sight.

It’s getting dark and I’m scared to move.

I want to go away from here.

What if it’s in the wrong direction.

I can’t hear your voice anymore to guide me the noise in my head is deafining.

I see others and go to follow but they are on their roads, I need to find my road.

Father where is my road, where are you, why am I alone.

The walls I created are keeping me from growing into who I wish I was.

Face In The Mirror


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It is so easy to find a thousand things wrong with others all around us, we do it every day. We pick apart others’ lives, from the way they raise their children to what they wear. Well what if you did it intentionally to the ones you love.

When it comes time to look inside myself I begin to get lost in the spaghetti of thoughts, emotions, self-inflicted and life trauma. Where to start, today I had an awakening and sobering truth shown by someone very close to me. Like holding up a mirror in front me, there is no looking away from this truth, I have to face it and I do not like what I see. Now I’m not speaking of the “shallow” like myself on the surface vision, oh no this is a deep seeded issue, even I have made myself blind to this over the years.

I don’t want to live from inside my shell, I don’t want to hold everyone at arm’s length, and I want to have life come from me as a person not only from my words. I fight myself daily to be anything but fake.

I do love my wife, I do love my children and I do desire great friendship and I never let anything simply happen. Every step is planned and thought through and most time I have been terribly destructive to everyone around me. I have manipulated and pushed focus off onto others to shield the issues I hide.

Much in my childhood I had to make friends over and over due to moving almost every year from grade school until about, well until I met my wife. Bouncing from family member to family member and friend to friend I became great at adapting and manipulating. In fact so good I never had to make my own decisions and I have carried that into my job, family and marriage.

This is a gift from God that I have been abusing, the gift is that I am a very likeable guy and know how to use my emotions to manipulation and change almost any outcome “good or bad” that I desire.

Now that the time has come for me to dig deep inside to begin the process of healing and not living from the “junk”, and I have become resistant to the thought of stepping out of “what I know” into a healthy father, husband and friend. I see the road, I hear the call to walk and learn what my life is for and it scares me to the depths of my core.

I have never really had a “best friend” I have had many, many friends but none have been “best friend “status. I have never committed myself to anything 100% and now I have a family and marriage there is nothing less than 100% that will work. So the ideas and lifestyle from the past will work anymore. I have adapted once again, hiding my issues behind the ones I love and hold close.

What that leaves is the focus being on the “what is seen first” their issues, not mine.

How is that fair? I have been using my loved ones as a human shield for many years. I see the pain in the eyes of my family and I am broken hearted for who I allow myself to be.

Today I see in the mirror and the real Scott Jenkins, knowing the changes that I will make and no longer allow myself to destroy the people I say the words I love you to.

Thank you God for the blessings you have given me and i’m sorry for the destruction I inflict.

The others I have loved


My wife and I were resting on the couch last night and she said something to me that made me think.
I have had other relationships in my life and she has had others also. We have used the words I love you with others and felt the feelings that can only come from love.
In all the other relationships there has been one thing that is different.
I’m speaking for myself here, I have never seen who “I” am and how much I love myself by the way I loved the other like I do in my marriage. Let me explain, I have always been a people pleaser, so I go out of my way to make them happy, never focussing on my feelings. I believe that is the true measure of love, its not who you are to them its who you are with them. If you are true to who you are with them and they except who you are and your relationship continues to grow in a positive direction while getting closer to one another you are doing something right. My wife knows my darkest secretes and the passion in my heart, yet she still loves me. She has seen me explode into a monster and try to destroy anything I come in contact with, and she still lets me hold her knowing the rage that I battle with on the inside. That is trust, that is love. I can be me, I can have rage, I can fail and I can have a beautiful marriage with a beautiful family. She has allowed me to become who I am. Passionate, gentle, sensitive and loving. Sure I still have bad days, and sometimes fail to work out the rage inside in a healthy way but at the end of the night she trusts me enough to allow me to hold her as we sleep. She is not scared of what she has seen, that is love! I read in an article once “marriage is not for me”. So true, I see now I married my wife to support her in the times she needs someone to support her, at the same time growing into the man I have became. My wife is my best friend, she is someone I can explode in front of and not have to worry “is she going to love me tomorrow”. That is our love!

Scott Jenkins