It is so easy to find a thousand things wrong with others all around us, we do it every day. We pick apart others’ lives, from the way they raise their children to what they wear. Well what if you did it intentionally to the ones you love.
When it comes time to look inside myself I begin to get lost in the spaghetti of thoughts, emotions, self-inflicted and life trauma. Where to start, today I had an awakening and sobering truth shown by someone very close to me. Like holding up a mirror in front me, there is no looking away from this truth, I have to face it and I do not like what I see. Now I’m not speaking of the “shallow” like myself on the surface vision, oh no this is a deep seeded issue, even I have made myself blind to this over the years.
I don’t want to live from inside my shell, I don’t want to hold everyone at arm’s length, and I want to have life come from me as a person not only from my words. I fight myself daily to be anything but fake.
I do love my wife, I do love my children and I do desire great friendship and I never let anything simply happen. Every step is planned and thought through and most time I have been terribly destructive to everyone around me. I have manipulated and pushed focus off onto others to shield the issues I hide.
Much in my childhood I had to make friends over and over due to moving almost every year from grade school until about, well until I met my wife. Bouncing from family member to family member and friend to friend I became great at adapting and manipulating. In fact so good I never had to make my own decisions and I have carried that into my job, family and marriage.
This is a gift from God that I have been abusing, the gift is that I am a very likeable guy and know how to use my emotions to manipulation and change almost any outcome “good or bad” that I desire.
Now that the time has come for me to dig deep inside to begin the process of healing and not living from the “junk”, and I have become resistant to the thought of stepping out of “what I know” into a healthy father, husband and friend. I see the road, I hear the call to walk and learn what my life is for and it scares me to the depths of my core.
I have never really had a “best friend” I have had many, many friends but none have been “best friend “status. I have never committed myself to anything 100% and now I have a family and marriage there is nothing less than 100% that will work. So the ideas and lifestyle from the past will work anymore. I have adapted once again, hiding my issues behind the ones I love and hold close.
What that leaves is the focus being on the “what is seen first” their issues, not mine.
How is that fair? I have been using my loved ones as a human shield for many years. I see the pain in the eyes of my family and I am broken hearted for who I allow myself to be.
Today I see in the mirror and the real Scott Jenkins, knowing the changes that I will make and no longer allow myself to destroy the people I say the words I love you to.
Thank you God for the blessings you have given me and i’m sorry for the destruction I inflict.