Field of Grass

Loss, we all think of it as somthing different, some think of a loved one that has passed away, some think of it as a friend that they haven’t seen in a long time or some of us see it as the nudge we needed to start the change to become who we are supposed to be.

Everyone that knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, that will never change it’s who I am. But there are many other areas of my life that are in need of some work. The walls we build to protect ourselves from harm can also set us up to be alone when the storm of life comes. We are not designed to be alone, we are ment to have relationships. This is were I fall apart, I know how to have “a” relationship, and the pressure that places on the other is too much for anyone to handle.

How do we re learn something that has taken us most of our adult lives to learn, how do we rewire our thinking and join the logic of the brain with the emotions of the heart? Feel free to chime in at any time because I’m completely lost on this one. I fight my head with my heart and that seems to be a failure so far.

With a mind full of garbage and baggage from the past, mixed with the damage done to my heart my mind spinning out of control so much in fact that I’m struggling to stand on truth in the “now” without hearing it first hand from time to time.

Thinking to myself “why do I feel the way I feel”, “why do I act the way I act”? What should I be like, how should I act?

When I was growing up I never really had a dream, “I want to be a doctor or an astronaut”. I remember wanting to be something, that’s all, I wanted to be something to someone. I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to feel what I saw on TV as a child. Slowly as I grew older I realized that TV was not real and that some people are just as broken as who I have became.

Truth is I am a great father and I struggle on any relationship I enter. I have people that would love to be my friend, and I build walls to hold them back. I have a wife that I love with everything I am, and my mind spins with confusion when asked what love is. This is broken, I see the plan, I feel the draw of family and friends and fail to show up for any of it.

I will not let this stop me, I can be a great friend to many people, I can be a better father and I will become a husband to my wife that blesses her as God intended me to.

I do not see failure when I look into the mirror however I do see confusion and desire to change.

I am alone, standing in a field of grass, no roads in sight.

It’s getting dark and I’m scared to move.

I want to go away from here.

What if it’s in the wrong direction.

I can’t hear your voice anymore to guide me the noise in my head is deafining.

I see others and go to follow but they are on their roads, I need to find my road.

Father where is my road, where are you, why am I alone.

The walls I created are keeping me from growing into who I wish I was.


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