The Roads We Travel


 People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.

Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. –  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

 

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This has been a difficult process so far and is good to understand!

It has been a hard year, with many significant changes in the family and a constant internal battle with letting go of the past , learning that everyone has their own road and that it is for them to walk down alone has become a hard reality to face.

After everything I have been through in my life and having a small amount of people who I could rely on for support and guidance I have set myself up for an internal battle that frankly I was not prepared for.  Reinforced by the “I can do this” attitude I have created a separation with many around me and have become a “call me when you need me” friend. With that said I tend to overdo it a little when it comes to the few that I allow into my life, creating too much pressure into their space and journey and smothering them. Finding the “happy medium” for this is mind numbing and will take some time to grasp, learn and act on it. I have always been an all or nothing, a black and white kind of guy.

Well life is not simply alive or dead and there are many shades of grey. The journey to figuring out how to live within the full spectrum of life not 0 or 100% is key.

 All this time I have envisioned that we are all on one road, “the ones close to us” and we all simply see something different on that road, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Everyone has a journey through life as individuals and sometimes our roads run parallel  with one another or even intersect, but it is never the same road. This put in perspective some of the struggles I face and knowing this is helping me to step back and let the ones I love battle for themselves and not rob them of the growth that comes from the battle they are facing.

 This is extremely hard to do being “Mr. fix it” and I am resisting the interjection by adding a loving ear to the issues they are facing, HARD as well, not to add my “helping thoughts”.

My road is my road, it is the path that I have chosen to take in life and I am lucky to have someone who has chosen to walk along side me on her road. Now and then we go into the dark woods, turn away a little bit and even stop to look around. That doesn’t mean we are not very committed to our lives together and the family we have created, it simply means we saw something that interested us or that we need to work through in our own lives. I am beginning to break old habits and rethink some of my actions as well as the actions that I should not take.

My deepest desire is a healthy life, a real love and a strong faith and it all starts with the first step down the road of life

Love of Today


I was in bed, trying to sleep last night as the memories of the past rushing in like waves. I remember the smell of roast mixed with the sound of the pressure cooker hissing and the noise of way too many people in a little house and the noise was laughter, not arguing or fighting and the smell to this day I have yet to matched. I felt the curiosity welling up inside as the time grew closer, the thoughts of “what am I going to get”? All the kids playing with things they shouldn’t be, like a very large set of die cast model cars that sat locked up on the front porch, the games of hide and seek that were always a failure because there was simply no place to hide. Jokes being told “to learn later in life that were very inappropriate for children to hear” but the adults loved them, all the different laughter, all the hootin and hollerin.

 

Today is a different day, years have gone by and seldom we speak to one another. We have separated and it’s the holiday times and Christmas that we celebrate that create the feelings of “what is going on”? The pain of the what was is overwhelming and the loss of what could be is much more. Life sure has changed, we have lost some loved ones and the bond that once held us all close has begun to become nonexistent. With hope that time will mend and heal the past I’m beginning to learn that is farthest from the truth, it takes action and genuine love to mend and heal the past. This year the Christmas season has been rocked from end to end of the family by the sad reality that our family has been neglected for far too long, this has not happened over night and there are loved ones trying to take a stand against it, but is it out of love or anger and aggression because of how our family is today?

 

What this time of year is, is being forgotten as we allow our hearts to grow numb to the facts and reality’s that we push down deep to hide the pain, yet we cling on to the memories of the past with hope that it will simply get better on its own, creating a mix of confusion and misguided emotions. I struggle to show our children the true meaning of Christmas, I fight the same feelings year after year. If you were to ask our children what is Christmas, you might get the correct response based on who it is that is asking. More than likely they will tell you it’s about getting gifts and say nothing about giving, family of the birth of Jesus. I want things to be different for our family, I want to hear laughter again and the thought that it will never be what it was saddens me, however it can be far better than it is today.

 

I come from a broken home, father, mother and even my grandparents are no longer together, my wife the same. I have two different families each with their own set of issues and each with their own love. Life is not easy, our love is not perfect and knowing in our hearts that we will be let down from time to time will allow us to join together and strengthen our bonds. There is far too much separation in the family by default, and we continue to create more as the years go by. I want things to change, I want our children to know there nieces and nephews and have all of our children grow up like a family. I want to see our younger generation carry on the family traditions that brought so much joy to my heart.

 

Unless we learn to let go of the nasty past and face the reality of today there will be no future for the family we all want so badly to hold together. All it takes is a start, an I’m sorry, a phone call, a letter, just a little love can heal a lifetime of pain. I will start, I’m sorry for the pain I have caused, the anger I have shown and the separation I have allowed to happen in our family. I am taking a stand against the separation and destruction of this family and I know this is going to take time to heal everything that has happened and hasn’t happen, a start is a start.

 

I want our children to see how family should be, not how it is today.