I was in bed, trying to sleep last night as the memories of the past rushing in like waves. I remember the smell of roast mixed with the sound of the pressure cooker hissing and the noise of way too many people in a little house and the noise was laughter, not arguing or fighting and the smell to this day I have yet to matched. I felt the curiosity welling up inside as the time grew closer, the thoughts of “what am I going to get”? All the kids playing with things they shouldn’t be, like a very large set of die cast model cars that sat locked up on the front porch, the games of hide and seek that were always a failure because there was simply no place to hide. Jokes being told “to learn later in life that were very inappropriate for children to hear” but the adults loved them, all the different laughter, all the hootin and hollerin.
Today is a different day, years have gone by and seldom we speak to one another. We have separated and it’s the holiday times and Christmas that we celebrate that create the feelings of “what is going on”? The pain of the what was is overwhelming and the loss of what could be is much more. Life sure has changed, we have lost some loved ones and the bond that once held us all close has begun to become nonexistent. With hope that time will mend and heal the past I’m beginning to learn that is farthest from the truth, it takes action and genuine love to mend and heal the past. This year the Christmas season has been rocked from end to end of the family by the sad reality that our family has been neglected for far too long, this has not happened over night and there are loved ones trying to take a stand against it, but is it out of love or anger and aggression because of how our family is today?
What this time of year is, is being forgotten as we allow our hearts to grow numb to the facts and reality’s that we push down deep to hide the pain, yet we cling on to the memories of the past with hope that it will simply get better on its own, creating a mix of confusion and misguided emotions. I struggle to show our children the true meaning of Christmas, I fight the same feelings year after year. If you were to ask our children what is Christmas, you might get the correct response based on who it is that is asking. More than likely they will tell you it’s about getting gifts and say nothing about giving, family of the birth of Jesus. I want things to be different for our family, I want to hear laughter again and the thought that it will never be what it was saddens me, however it can be far better than it is today.
I come from a broken home, father, mother and even my grandparents are no longer together, my wife the same. I have two different families each with their own set of issues and each with their own love. Life is not easy, our love is not perfect and knowing in our hearts that we will be let down from time to time will allow us to join together and strengthen our bonds. There is far too much separation in the family by default, and we continue to create more as the years go by. I want things to change, I want our children to know there nieces and nephews and have all of our children grow up like a family. I want to see our younger generation carry on the family traditions that brought so much joy to my heart.
Unless we learn to let go of the nasty past and face the reality of today there will be no future for the family we all want so badly to hold together. All it takes is a start, an I’m sorry, a phone call, a letter, just a little love can heal a lifetime of pain. I will start, I’m sorry for the pain I have caused, the anger I have shown and the separation I have allowed to happen in our family. I am taking a stand against the separation and destruction of this family and I know this is going to take time to heal everything that has happened and hasn’t happen, a start is a start.
I want our children to see how family should be, not how it is today.