Broken Together

I tend to be a bit transparent in my blogging and learning how to express my heart felt words and balancing the hearts of others that are involved in my life has become a fight between the “should I say it or not”, and this has been one of the hardest years in my life.
My family is falling apart, my children fighting with anxiety and depression, my marriage reaching the peak of the storm that is unsettling to my heart and divorce tearing through both sides of our family’s from end to end.
This video was sent to me by a loved one that I have not much communication with other then Facebook due to the distance between us. I received the video by a private message as my wife and I were lying in bed, with our minds racing and the conversation reaching a point of high emotions and tension this video ended the anger that began to build.
As we lay watching, my heart began to change to a sad state as tears began to well up and as I realized we may never reach the “completeness” that I so desperately desire. In the mists of the pain there was a calming feeling that began to cover me like a warm blanket in a cold room and the thought of being broken yet together was comforting. To think we do not have to become “fixed” to have a successful marriage, we simply need to place God as the center of our marriage and learn how to stand alone as a married couple feels so strange.
The separation I have felt in my life has broken me heart and I have lived with that as early back as I can remember. There has always been separation and abandonment in my life and in my mind and I vow to NEVER allow anything come between the ones I love and myself. In a way that was the beginning of a promise I made as a teen and I met the love of my life during that time. That vow remains true to this day, NOTHING will come between me and the family we have been blessed to have.
Well what do you do when the day comes that you are told that you are the one separating the one thing you swore to protect? You stand as the world swirls around you, you freeze like a deer that has heard the crack of a branch in the woods and breathing is not on the list of things you need to do to stay alive. The Vow I created as a teen has bonded us together and at the same time did not allow room for anything else. Our lives together began as a struggle and in that struggle the blessings of God began to flow in like warm rain. Marriage, fairly good jobs, the planning of children and then our first miracle our oldest daughter. Not long after we had our second and last daughter. Life never slowed down enough for either of us to catch our breath and continued to go faster and faster as School and after school activities began to rule our schedule.
14 years later we have begun to slow down a little and re-focus our priority’s on faith and healing from our pasts. The feeling that it’s ok that I’m not perfect in my love and that I am going to fail the ones I love allows me to not set such a high expectation on myself and not placing so much pressure to manage a marriage that was never meant to be “complete”. Knowing God has blessed our marriage as it is and not what it “should” be has calmed the racing thoughts and striving feeling of “fixing” what was meant to be broken together all along.
I am broken, and in that I am useful to God as I reach the broken, like the saying “walk a mile in his shoes”, I have many miles on my shoes and I can speak into a life of pain and loneness with the compassion and love of God. That is my gift, which is why I was never meant to be “complete”. God was preparing me to meet my daughters with love where they are, to meet my wife on her journey into who she is with compassion for the broken road she travels.
Thank you God for the many blessings I have and for the blessings I can bring to others in your name. ❤