Why are we so guarded? Why is it that the life we live is out of a shell of who we are? Even when it comes to our close loved ones we tend to hide inside our shells. How is it that we can give up our body, we can give up our life to enter into a marriage yet we fail on a daily basis to communicate how we really feel on the inside? Do we need to be that guarded? Must we hide from the ones that care most about us? Or is it that the ones that are closest to us are the ones that have the opportunity to harm us the most.
Vulnerable: Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body. Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation.
As far as I can remember back I held my true feelings about everyone and everything buried deep inside, is it the fear or rejection of how I am feeling? Is it that I didn’t want to harm anyone with my feelings? Is it that I was scared to not have my feelings understood or validated? It was all of them!
I grew up as a very wild child, off the wall energy, seemingly endless play and sarcasm. On the inside was a much different story, I was guarded, I was full of fear and in hopes that I would be safe I was completely covered in armor. I have always been sensitive to others, I get emotional to the feelings of the actors in movies I watch, the lyrics I hear, or others going through pain and I fail to allow myself to address MY pain, my issues and fight to keep the feeling buried deep inside my shell.
I have been very successful at getting others to like me and that has been my way of getting through life. All through school, after school and after graduation I have always had a fairly large group of people that would say “he is hilarious” “I love Scott” and that would not have much bad to say about me. I was not picked on much, I was never bullied and still I felt alone. As I grow I am learning to see that in order to not feel alone you must share yourself, be vulnerable and don’t keep everything from the ones that are close to you.
Now after 16 years of a relationship with my wife, 2 children and years of struggling to hide my true feelings of fear of losing her we are about to enter a point of no return with vulnerability. We have reached a point in our lives that the hidden feelings and unspoken words are breaking down the small surface communication we have. We are learning to open up our shell and in very small words let the “children out to play again”. The adventure of my marriage in my mind has only just begun, the past 16 years were us feeling out one another and finding out “am I safe with her”?
The answer to the question, “am I safe” is no, not at all and THAT is the beginning of a real relationship. The beginning of building a relationship that will outlast the real storms that I see on the horizon.
August 12th, 2000 was the day I married my best friend, August 2014 is the date I begin to build a relationship with her.