holding the door closed

IMG_20140706_015113The day you came into the world my life was flipped upside down, I was no longer the only child. I now had to fight for the attention of a single mother. Jealousy and aggression came into my mind as a small child. You beginning to walk set our bond in motion as brothers as well as the trouble we were about to get into..


I became a guiding light to a little helpless child, and shortly after learned he would follow me to the ends of the earth to fit in and make me proud, I fled.  Life was up and down to say the least, broken homes and scars that cut deep became the bond we had. Coming from the same flesh yet not sharing a name began the long road of explaining to others how we are related. Looking nothing alike, myself being a tall and fair skin redhead and you being shorter and stocky with olive skin we overcame the appearances difference that sent questions into everyone’s mind. We are blood, as blood as can be. 


Our young childhood we were inseparable, from BMX to staying up until 3am watching Nightmare on Elm Street, we did everything together then our lives began to change for me as being the elder of the house, rebellion and fighting became very common and so the separation between us began. I finally reached a breaking point and decided to leave the house around the age of 14 leaving you to hold the pieces of another man walking out on us. You were now one of the men in the house and with no one to teach you what that means you began to rebel as well.

Our father were not around, we were the men in our lives and I now realize what I could have done and what I didn’t do. I’m not saying it was my fault things turned out like they did I’m saying I could have done more for you as my brother.

That leads us to what happened a few years ago when we helped you out of a dangerous situation, my way of reaching out to you for all the time that has passed when you were alone.

I continue to struggle with every part of my life and it is hard to “remember” the past and stay positive in the future. Our lives have been down some different roads and I have never stopped thinking about what you are doing, how you are doing and if you are holding everything together. I know I have been fighting to hold everything together and for so long we had each other and now I fight to be alone in my struggle. Knowing being alone makes everything much harder yet I hate to “rally the troops” into my war with myself.

I am sorry for leaving and never looking back, and I’m sorry for holding the door closed for so many years and hearing you knock, being consumed with the fear of what part of my past might be on the other side. I have been working on myself for over a year now and have only scratched the surface of who I am and why I do what I do. It has brought many memories flooding back that I do not want to remember. 

beginning a new chapter is certain, when is in question. I do not expect you to keep knocking but I hope you understand the reasons I hold the doors in my life closed. As I begin to let the doors open life will never be the same.


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