Who do We Fear?


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Who runs our lives and who do we fear? Our outer life is our reputation with people, but our inner life is our reputation with God. Is our integrity based off of fearing what God will think or is it based on what people will think? Who do we allow to drive our life?

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

This is a struggle with me and always has been. In most area of my life I fear what others will think of me. What would my wife think? How would this look to our children? Or the fear that something I do makes me look like an idiot. I find it hard to think of how God views me and even harder to fear him. I tend to lead from a more passive standpoint “it’s easier to find people that WANT to work for you out of pure joy then out of fear” so when the question comes up, do I fear God? I have a hard time understanding and living that out in my life.

I can’t see our God wanting us to fear him; I know it says it in the bible to fear the Lord, but why fear? I could see respect or to have reverence or admiration for him as being the driving force behind the changes we make and need to make. If God is love why would he desire us to fear him? 

1 John 4:18 – Perfect love expels fear. So how can we fear God while he expels all fear and if God himself is love? It seems a bit contradicting and confusing. I tend to lean a bit on logic when it comes to my faith and we all know how that turns out most of the time, so the dig continues.

I fear the consequences of my actions when it comes to the world and struggle to have the ability to fear God. How do we understand the depth of what our consequences are when it comes to our faith? I understand that the ultimate consequence is to be separated from God for eternity and that in itself is contradictory; He forgives us infinitely for the sin we commit. So then once we become saved how is it that we ever will be separated? If that is true then once we give our hearts to the lord nothing can separate us from his gift of salvation.

One day the answers we seek will be provided, until then the battle of faith continues!

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The Balance


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Spending most of your life trying to achieve normal, trying to find stability in an unstable mind is exhausting. Leaning to re-train everything you knew, and telling yourself everything is going to be OK. Seeing that you lie to the ones you say you love, but only for a while to justify it in your mind, just until you “figure things out”. Only to see the realization that the time to tell the truth may never come, even if you wanted to. Why do I do the things I do, was it from learning everything from someone that has no grasp on reality. Now, seemingly lost in life, being questioned about why I do what I do and to feel what I feel with no real answers to provide.

Change my mind time after time coming back to the conclusion all I want is what I never had, a family. Have had friends come and go, I have been hurt, I have hurt, I love but never allow myself to feel love for myself. Insecurity runs my life, haunting my mind like the loss of a loved one when that one song comes on, sometimes blinding and constricting my heart from everything around and not sure how to feel about the “normal” feelings in life. My insecurity spreads like a virus to everyone around me. Why now is my ugly side coming out, feeling threatened about learning how to love someone. She is still here and we are recovering from the life we left behind, learning to be true to love and life.

16 years have passed and the only relationship I have ever cared is the one that feels like it’s killing me. Feeling every little pain my children feel, looking into their eyes for the answers to life, knowing I’m the one that should have the wisdom. Our children pure, untainted, true, whole, yet I corrupt them with living out of my past, be like me and do not do what I do.

To feel the pain of the world around me has become my way to reach out and feel something. To be alone in a room full of people thinking of the feelings passing by reaching to feel just one. Do I even understand how to love? Spending every unscheduled minute looking for a balance in this “love” that I have, not too much, not too little then it all changes like the season. It’s just a natural phase we go through, and yet she stays by my side.

Insecurity tearing at my heart, “when will she go away”, when will she understand that I’m broken and don’t know how to fix myself. Lies running through my head saying throw me away and let someone else fix me. Now we have a family all I want to do is lock them into a safe box and keep them safe from the ugly outside of Fear of having one of them hurt.

Like a puzzle without a pattern printed on it, trying to put the pieces of life together and holding it  together for the family we have been blessed with, while on inside screaming take it all away and protect them from the pain of life.

I am beginning to open my eyes and realize this love I have been looking for, it is right here, right where it always has been in my heart, in my wife and in our children. I’m learning that the “I’m broken feeling is simply a lie I tell myself out of the evil I listen to. There is no room for that in my life or in my home.

I’m not broken, I have been made for a purpose and finding that purpose will teach me to see the love we have always had. Choosing to look at the 16 years we have shared together as an amazing journey and a blessing which in itself is love. Learning to love life for the ups and downs knowing that everything will work out for the best and to focus on breaking the cycle of where we come from is my new goal.  

Dream of Dreaming


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When we begin to dream as children we think to ourselves, “what do I want to be when I grow up”? Doctors, astronaut, biologist, in the military, mechanic ect… Somewhere along the path of life our dreams begin to fade into the harsh reality that that may not happen.

 

I have been thinking a lot about that over the last few years, what is the cause of the destructions of our dreams? How is it that we become numb to the burn to become great, why do we settle and become ok with it?

 

When I was a child all I wanted to do was work with cars, fix them, modify them, and rebuild them, anything with cars and that is where my heart was.

 

Now at the age of 33 I am a Packaging Technician at one of the largest animal health facilities in the world. My position has nothing to do at all with cars, and yet I have found satisfaction in my career path. That still leaves the question, where do our dreams go?

 

I asked our oldest daughter what her dreams were and she told me she wants to be in the medical field, I just smiled and said great idea! After about 2 years the conversation about her goals in life I began to see the passion I saw in her eyes become faint, where did it go?

 

We tried so hard to guide her and support her goal and yet something still extinguished the fire inside her.

 

Is this the answer, the lack of motivation, lack of confidence from poor parenting or is it that too much of our self esteemed is based on what the world thinks?

 

My mind and emotions constantly battle when it comes to our children and their future, what can we do now to contribute to their success later. How can we give them a good level of confidence and build up their self esteem so they can become successful in life when the world around us says otherwise. How can I give them something I am learning for myself, or is that the trick.

 

Lowering my “I’m the parent, you are the child” thinking and maybe learn together as a family. I’m not saying as equals when it comes to the parent/child relationship but to change our mindset and think maybe, just maybe we can learn from the clear, pure mind of a child.

 

Maybe the goal is to teach one another as family and that is the key to developing a better relationship with our children. I am still learning, I still mess up often and learning to build relationships with our children as well as a marriage is proving to be a challenge. I’m proud of the parents we are and I’m proud of the marriage we have, we are far from perfect yet way beyond what I have dreamt of.

 

Our lives are a work in progress and only when we become stagnant and stop progressing do our dreams truly end.