Spending most of your life trying to achieve normal, trying to find stability in an unstable mind is exhausting. Leaning to re-train everything you knew, and telling yourself everything is going to be OK. Seeing that you lie to the ones you say you love, but only for a while to justify it in your mind, just until you “figure things out”. Only to see the realization that the time to tell the truth may never come, even if you wanted to. Why do I do the things I do, was it from learning everything from someone that has no grasp on reality. Now, seemingly lost in life, being questioned about why I do what I do and to feel what I feel with no real answers to provide.
Change my mind time after time coming back to the conclusion all I want is what I never had, a family. Have had friends come and go, I have been hurt, I have hurt, I love but never allow myself to feel love for myself. Insecurity runs my life, haunting my mind like the loss of a loved one when that one song comes on, sometimes blinding and constricting my heart from everything around and not sure how to feel about the “normal” feelings in life. My insecurity spreads like a virus to everyone around me. Why now is my ugly side coming out, feeling threatened about learning how to love someone. She is still here and we are recovering from the life we left behind, learning to be true to love and life.
16 years have passed and the only relationship I have ever cared is the one that feels like it’s killing me. Feeling every little pain my children feel, looking into their eyes for the answers to life, knowing I’m the one that should have the wisdom. Our children pure, untainted, true, whole, yet I corrupt them with living out of my past, be like me and do not do what I do.
To feel the pain of the world around me has become my way to reach out and feel something. To be alone in a room full of people thinking of the feelings passing by reaching to feel just one. Do I even understand how to love? Spending every unscheduled minute looking for a balance in this “love” that I have, not too much, not too little then it all changes like the season. It’s just a natural phase we go through, and yet she stays by my side.
Insecurity tearing at my heart, “when will she go away”, when will she understand that I’m broken and don’t know how to fix myself. Lies running through my head saying throw me away and let someone else fix me. Now we have a family all I want to do is lock them into a safe box and keep them safe from the ugly outside of Fear of having one of them hurt.
Like a puzzle without a pattern printed on it, trying to put the pieces of life together and holding it together for the family we have been blessed with, while on inside screaming take it all away and protect them from the pain of life.
I am beginning to open my eyes and realize this love I have been looking for, it is right here, right where it always has been in my heart, in my wife and in our children. I’m learning that the “I’m broken feeling is simply a lie I tell myself out of the evil I listen to. There is no room for that in my life or in my home.
I’m not broken, I have been made for a purpose and finding that purpose will teach me to see the love we have always had. Choosing to look at the 16 years we have shared together as an amazing journey and a blessing which in itself is love. Learning to love life for the ups and downs knowing that everything will work out for the best and to focus on breaking the cycle of where we come from is my new goal.