Sometimes our friends in life decide to separate from our lives. At times we are not the best representation of what a friend is or should be. I have trouble with friendships and community. I know, people that know me are most likely laughing and thinking I’m losing my mind when they read that statement.
Truth is I have no problem meeting others and beginning a friendship with them that strikes a cord in the heart of others. My struggle comes when a friendship reaches a depth of “personal level” that requires the exchange of “heart felt” intimacy and commitment. Over the years I have met quite a few people that have touched my heart, and I have touched theirs and that is where the struggle begins.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last couple years and what I have been discovering is that I have a hard time with commitment. If I commit to something it begins to open an area of vulnerability in my heart that makes me fearful of what others might think or the judgments of the things I have done.
My “mind talk” says “man you have a hard time explaining to yourself what you do and why you do it, imaging what others think”. So I search for the reasons I lack the will to be vulnerable with the intentions and desire of a long term commitment. With that said, I have been with my wife for 16 of my 33 years, some of that has been co-dependency issues more than commitment however most has been the desire to destroy generational sin and to break the chains of divorce. With very limited personal resources (Faith not included) this has been quite a ride! My faith in the promise of God to get me through has been a rock I hang from. Learning to stand on faith has been another journey that will have to be another time.
My views of topics like commitment, Vulnerability and intimacy has been completely re-focused and renewed. What is Vulnerability?
Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.
Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon.
This is a part of life and without pain there can be no love. Life was not given to us to be cautious of living or to walk on egg shells with everyone in life. This statement is not saying we should not be cautious of what we say, it simply means to say what you need to say when you need to say it and to be open to criticism. I am learning that to have a true friendship you must have open communication from the heart and to be open to the hard conversations that WILL happen. Why live guarded and destroy the gifts that God has given us!
Our friends serve a very important purpose, that purpose is what creates our community. Without community we are alone with our thoughts, and that can be a dangerous place.
For me personally being away from others feels uncomfortable. Now I’m not saying I do not want alone time, I’m saying in general I like people. I like talking to others, hearing about their issues, feeling their pain, listening to their stories and making others feel that they are not alone. The deeper I look the more I love to be surrounded by others and in community. Alone with myself can feel like the beginning of a battle that neither of us will win. Sounds confusing, welcome to my mind!
My “mind talks” and he is not a very nice guy, he is abused, abandoned and has been neglected. He needs love and affection from me and my community. I desire to show him that life is more beautiful than ugly, that it’s more positive than negative and that it’s worth the act of opening up to others.
“Today I found a friend I haven’t seen in a while and he not is not only in my head, I found him in my heart. He has always been there and he will always be there! Nothing I can do will separate us. Why do we fight? Why do we hate one another? Let’s put my heart with your mind and we could be unstoppable”.
Today I learn to be nice to myself and open my heart to the “what if’s” of life. I will no longer fear the pain that is life and I will allow myself to love from the heart with commitment. Let love flow and be received for what it is not what we are expecting it to be.