Looking Into The Dark


Laying in bed restlessly looking off into the dark, stirring, tossing and turning. Eyes shut but the mind is racing, what to do, what to do…

Playing every thought, all the possibilities,  situations and scenarios over and over like a movie I’ve seen 100 times before!

This is not how I would have liked to spend last night, and yet here I am, tired and drained. Glad tomorrow is a new day.

A new day has arrived and I feel damaged from the war of night, it has taken so much from me. Thoughts flooding my mind as I sip my morning coffee, “a choice has to be made”.

If only an action would show a clear path forward. Thoughts pondered and the steps need to be taken to make today anything different from the night before, a new start.

“It’s not the situation that’s causing your stress, it’s your thoughts, and you can change that right here and now. You can choose to be peaceful right here and now. Peace is a choice, and it has nothing to do with what other people do or think”. – Gerald Jampolsky

I claim this one today!
I stand on what this quote has to offer me. Feel today with my heart, don’t get caught up in your mind Scott..

My first goal today, (as I finish a large cup of coffee) is to find rest in the muck, to sit in the here and now to find rest in the fact that everything is as it should be. Minute by minute, hour by hour I repeat this quote and today will be a good day, breaking way to only a memory of last night and the excitement of a new day and a new chance to “make a fresh start”.

As the day continues on, seemingly endlessly I begin to see a change in the time I spend in the muck. Learning to see in the dark and to see clearly is more of a choice in what action I chose to take. More so than my circumstances!

I am not the child I once was, I am a new being with new choices and I am finding power in learning that my past does not define my future.

Looking into the dark, learning to see with my feelings not my mind.


Guarantees of Life


The Guarantees of Life are there are no guarantees in life; nothing is a ​100%, nothing ​is for sure and the guarantee is that​ nothing guaranteed. Let’s face it, we as humans, simply mess things up, we are messy, selfish, impulsive at times and the world revolves around “us”.

I’m not saying​,​ everyone​,​ is all of these,​ at our core we are selfish​,​ we fight to not allow these actions and thoughts to guide us through life. We are all wired for a desire to connect, be connected with and to feel love. That is why social media is at an all time high, it’s too simple to not get hooked on it!

Our desire to connect on any level is at times primal, almost like we do it not thinking about it. I have heard that the worst form of torture is solitary confinement, the separation of human to human contact and interaction.

The test of humility is how we respond to correction in our lives.
Do we constantly blame our surroundings or others for our situation in life?

At one time in our lives, that may have been our reality, but if we are honest with ourselves we see a change is needed to decrease the habits of doing things that reinforce our bad habits. That is why it is necessary to have others who love us enough to correct us and help realign ourselves when we begin to drift off track. Now for the hard part, loving yourself enough to release the pride, guilt and shame that can consume our thoughts and allow others to speak into our lives.

Breakthrough is never done in isolation; it happens when we are bold enough to let others tell us the truth about our circumstances and ourselves and to achieve the ability to use that as a positive influence in our lives.

“There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary”. Emmanuel
(Pat Rodegast)

With the goal to live a life full of fear and the thoughts of a secure future would be a battle that will never be overcome! A future based of faith that in life you will “reap what we s​ew​” and knowing there will be tragedies, failures, devastation and death in life is security enough.  If you enter any situation with genuine love and sincerity the outcome will be different than if we enter it with aggression and blame. Open communication fosters the progression of change. Being honest about the messy situations of life has been one of the toughest tasks I have ever experienced and with it came a depth of change that I have could never imagine. The bond that is made when the walls fall, the heart is broken and poured out is beyond what words can describe, it is simply divine and a blessing from God.

See With Your Eyes Closed 

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To see life with our eyes open is one thing, but to see life with our eyes closed is a totally different experience.

When I look at something I’m going through in life with my eyes open I tend to think about it first and feel it later. The issue with that is once something enters my mind, first, it is hard to stop the thinking and begin the feeling and second my mind runs away with the thoughts “I blame my imagination”. Seeing something with your eyes closed first and to feel it before thinking about it has proven to have a much better outcome in my life. Listening to that small voice in my heart and not reacting like my mind loves to do does three things for me.

  • It allows me to spend time feeling and then react with a calmer response.
  • It creates a safe conversation as opposed to a blaming or guarded conversation.
  • Most times it destroys most of the shame and or guilt that I tend to control a desired outcome of a situation with.

I have a subscription to a great website that sends me quote after quote from people all over the world, some I have heard and read before and some are new, here is one that I have read over and over throughout my life and only now can understand the depth and meaning behind it.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart”. – Helen Keller

knowing her story all I can think of is amazement for her to have such a positive outlook on life while having the disabilities she lives with every day.

As a follower of God I think it is my duty to teach from actions, show from works and bless without expecting something in return. I believe that my faith should not be poured out on everyone I see, it should not be forced on our children to follow Christ (or anyone else for that matter) it should be through a curious question that someone has for me or for someone to ask why is he different or even what is wrong with Scott, and in that, is where others are attracted to me. Because I reveal who Christ has created me to be and HE is seen in me.
That is where the fear sets in and the lies I tell myself begin.

Why would I EVER want someone to follow me?!?!
What do I have that others would ever want to go through? Well the truth is, others are going through their own lives and struggles and most are far worse than mine and it is up to me to help others feel loved and to feel a closeness to God through my actions with them.

“Seeing with your eyes closed” or for lack of better words “faith”.  I want to live with faith guiding my life not fear, to believe that I can help just because I bring a different view to what someone may be going through and to accept that life is messy and to express sincerity in my relationships. To step out of the boat knowing I will be changed forever and believing that it will be for my positive forward movement, not to remain in the hell we call life.

Whether you follow Christ or do not is not for me to judge, we are created to be loved and to love, the world has other ideas about how we should treat one another. As for me, and as a father, I am designed to lead my family, it is my choice what direction we travel, it is my responsibility to guide my wife and children as a leader not a ruler and to provide a safe and secure resting place to dwell. To see with my eyes closed, to walk in faith for the things of the heart cannot be seen, they can only be felt.

A New Day

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With today’s fast pace lifestyle and never ending bombardment from the world to achieve more, acquire more, be more and to never feel adequate enough its no wonder family’s are falling apart every second.

Here are some statistics from (cdc.gov)

Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population

Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population

In simple terms almost a 50% divorce rate. That means that half of the marriages that begin, half of the family’s that have been grown end in divorce. If this does not put fear in your heart for our children, friends and family then nothing will.

Now to my point, day after day, night after night we get sucked into the trap. The trap is so easy to enter into that there is a chance you or someone very close to you is currently in the trap.

The trap I speak of is not an imprisonment in a marriage you can’t get out of or a “ahh, I can’t get any better” so I stay.

No this trap is the slow day to day busy lifestyle that over time wears you down until complacency begins to set in.

You know what I’m talking about, today is the same as yesterday, is the same as tomorrow and the next thing you know, the trap has you, it has you in its messy downward spiral.

Truth is not one day will ever be the same as another, not one second has ever been lived before. We get in the mindset that this is life, always has been and always will be…

That is the lie we rest in because it is easy, it is safe and even as hard as some of the days can be there is comfort in the pain we are used to. We forget about our choices to begin over every minute, every hour or every second.

Today does not have to be yesterday and tomorrow can be something beautiful and new. I fail every day at this, I am a planner, I am a goal setter and then that is it there better not be any changes to my plan. Nothing better get in the way of my schedule. Well, life has a way of pissing you off from time to time doesn’t it.

As you read this the moments it takes  have never been lived before, this second as you think about what that means is more then enough time to begin new.

Don’t let the past destroy the future, nothing that has ever been done to you, against you or that involves you has the power to destroy your future, you give it the power, you feed the fear, you keep watering the tree of pain in your heart.

Life is meant to be a series of mistakes, not one of us has lived a perfect life, not one of us deserves anything from one another.

I can only pray that I can one day be the father, husband and friend that can bless the 3 beautiful ladies in my life and my job will never end. Every minute is made new, every thought has a “good or bad” choice.

I want my legacy to be seen as a man of great strength, endless grace and no depth to the love I have for the people around me.

Go live new, go love deep and forgive with no limit.

Armor of Flesh

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When you think of armor you may think of the armor of a warrior or chainmail worn in battle or maybe its the body armor worn to protect a chest of a public safety officer.

Whatever it is that you think of when you think of armor one thing is for certain, human flesh is not on the list.

So why do we think that it is going to protect us at all in any battle. It was not designed to protect anything other than some of the elements and even those need to be mild at best.

Our flesh will not protect our heart’s, it does not protect what we see or hear and does a terrible job filtering its impact at all.  That is where our mind comes into play. Our thoughts can make it break us so to speak.

Have you ever had a thought or have been told something that you just couldn’t handle?
What did you do with it?
How did you overcome it?
Did you overcome it?
Did you allow it to change you?

Most likely it was a decision one day that you just were not going to let it hurt anymore or that you just had to move on.

That can mean many different things to many different people, it may be working on forgiving or separating from what it is that has harmed you.

Whatever it was that was the motivation, good chance it started with a decision, it started with a thought and ended in action.

Our thoughts can make or break us, thinking “this is never going to work” or “things will never be the same” that is exactly what you will get!

To change your thought is to change your action, you can chose to give up or you can choose to work, both come with consequences and both come at a price.

I have used my flesh for far too long in battle and to try to protect my heart from pain. My heart is open to attack because I am not protecting it properly.

I am not taking care of me enough.
I view my worth by how I am seen by others and my value is how I judge my self worth.

My tendency to put others first sets me up for pain, failure and to be used by others that need someone like me.

I take what I think of as the thought  “they need me” and take it to the next level, “I need them to need me”. This has ended up in a messy situation more often than not.

This year it is my goal is to learn to do 5 steps in my journey in growing.

1) value myself enough to have a voice, even if the outcome is not desired.

2) learn to love how I desire to love, not to learn “what others” desire as love.

3) be honest with myself about where I am going and where I want to go.

4) look for the good in every situation, when one door closes, another will open.

5) be who I say I am, and stand tall about what I stand for.

If the ones who say they love me are with me on the other side, it was meant to be. My hope is that these steps sort out the true from the fake and if I use God to direct me in all 5 of the steps I have faith that the outcome will be much better.

2015 is going to be a pivotal year in my life! I am putting my trust in God that he will lead me into and through this.

Depth of Love


In the beginning it was all about what can I do for you, how can I help you and I give everything for you. As year after year pass, the tendency to forget that we are two individuals that share a comin goal in life becomes more apparent.
Two become one flesh, leave your mother and father to join in marriage, what does it all mean?
Jesus said “love your wife as I loved the church”, well that is a tall order considering he gave his life for the church.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself”

So if that doesn’t make you feel 2 inches tall nothing will. Stepping back and looking at this from a selfless point of view and not a “what can I gain from selflessly loving her is what I’m refocusing on.

“Good marriages are not dependent upon perfection, but they are dependent upon willingness to acknowledge our wrong and seek forgiveness.”

When she falls, help her up. When she hurts, bless her by comforting her. When she fails, know she is human.
As a man or is my duty to love endlessly, forgive fully, bless selflessly and until my last breath my work is not complete. Seeing that just because we are Christian, we still sin and her dreams don’t have to be mine.

To bless her in the mess of life and to forgive when I don’t feel like forgiving. To love, is to live as two broke souls with one common vow and to accept failure as another opportunity to try again.

The Value of a Life

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You are valuable not because of who you are, but because of whose you are.

It all comes down to how you perceive yourself and what is it that (you) think makes you valuable.

What makes you feel important? Is it your wealth? Is it that you’re well educated? Do you feel important because you get lots of cell phone calls, texts; that must mean you’re popular? Is it that you have 1000’s of Friends on social media? Do you feel valuable because you have a high position at work? Whatever it is that you hold most high is where you put your vision of who you are.

While it certainly isn’t wrong to be wealthy, well educated, popular, or in leadership, the battle is to not allow them to define our worth and value. Things will fail us, it’s only a matter of when. Cars break down, friends come and go, family members will hurt you, profits decline and with any of them, our self-worth takes a hit.

I place so much of my value on my success as a father and at marriage, (with unreasonable expectations) that when the hard time comes with our daughters or in our marriage my instinct is to think “what did I do wrong or what I can do to help fix this situation”. Some of that comes from being a man, “Mr. Fixit” and some comes from a high standard I set for living, “never doing what my parents did” and at times are unreasonable for anyone to meet!

I see the changes that need to be made and yet I struggle with the “how” to change, is it my thinking or is it the desires that need a re-alignment. Learning to place my value in something that cannot fail like faith in God has its struggles of its own, how do I see a father? In my life I have had many fathers and all have failed at times, holding on to the past and comparing our heavenly father to the fathers I remember, I cut him short. 

This week I have the opportunity to spend every second of every day when I’m not working with our daughters. At first I was trying to plan ways to keep myself busy in this time away from my wife.

During a conversation I had on day 2 of 11 someone told me “what a blessing to your daughters” it didn’t sink in at first and then “ah ha” how many daughters get to enjoy their fathers for this amount of time?

My vision of who I am is evolving into something much different, something of where a man can be gentle enough to connect with a 9 year old girl about friends at school and at the same time speak into a 13 year old daughter about a boy she is “in love” with. My value is not in weather or not my daughters succeed in life or my marriage sinks or swims, my value is that I do what’s right in every situation and bless others with the gifts I have been blessed with. What is your value? Does your vision of your value cut you short or build you up?