I have learned to use what I am good at in life, shrinking; I am a master at shrinking, hiding behind my humor and charm only to be screaming on the inside “please go away”. I am fearful of so many things and struggle to let any of them go.
Like so many of us I come from a broken home, a home that was so broken I struggle to see what direction to go to this day. Question after question; is this right? Is this how I should act or am I suppose to change this about myself?
So many questions flood my mind and heart and the more I search the cloudier it all becomes. I have found that the more people you talk with about a topic the more onions you end up with therefore making it harder to figure out which direction to set your travel through life in. we have all heard the great advise of others;
Follow your heart.
Walk by faith.
Let your morals be your guide.
Stay in the word and you will find the answers you seek.
What if your heart has been broken so many times by the ones you loved that following your own heart doesn’t feel safe?
What if your faith is so shaky because it is hard to trust in the ones you can see let alone a God you can’t?
What if you struggle with your own morals and defaulting to them can be harming to the relationship?
What if the words from our God feel hollow at times and hard to relate too?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
– Marianne Williamson
Finding the desire to even trust seems so far away, letting go and allowing the wounds of others to begin to heal doesn’t feel fair. It’s like the aching of a tooth, bight down in spite the pain only to reach that one second of relief of the pain, only for the pain to return because of the issue is with the tooth itself.
Dig deep; find the power only to realize you are incapable of acquiring alone.
“I will remain who I am unless I destroy who I was and become who I dream to be”. I seek to become not simply a father, a husband, a friend and a man of God; I set out on a journey to become great at all of these.
The faith I have in myself to become anything other than broken has been made clear to me that faith in myself will never amount to what the faith in my God will amount to. I have failed myself, my wife, my family and my children and the chances to heal all of the failures have been given to me.
I can stand up and express my deep apologies and in the process gain respect in their eyes. So the journey continues to stand tall and fight the desire to shrink, to be open and fight the quiet lies I tell myself and loved ones, and to stand tall in who I am and who I will become.
The dreams I have for who I am becoming are not my dreams anymore; they are the dreams of my father in heaven and as I learn to listen to the quiet voice and walk in this faith that I do not always understand.
I will remain a broken man until I allow Him to mold me into the man I am designed to become.