Where Are You


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What does it mean to be present?

Some of the synonyms are: here, in attendance, at hand, near and current, it is something I struggle with daily. I love to dream; I am always drifting off in my mind about random thoughts and actually try not to be present at times. I do exactly what I complain about others doing and this act is stealing the gifts I have to offer my family as support, guidance and to be a leader to our home. It forces the remaining members to pick up where I leave off. I have become very good at partially listing just in case I need to respond to the conversation and most times get my response very wrong creating confusion as to what we were even talking about. I began the habit recently to actually say “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening, can you repeat that” and that is met with some frustration most of the time, with great reason. 

I have always thought to myself “man I’m great at multitasking” seeing the truth and realizing that it is not the case at all has been humbling. What I am actually great at is deceiving and manipulating a conversation to cover the fact that I have no idea what I am responding to.  Seeing that I am not as good at conversation as I thought is not a new concept, the desire to change the way I chose to respond in the failure of that conversation is and is proving to be a challenge. I have much more pride then I thought when it comes to my words especially when it comes to topics I am passionate about.

To be a beneficial presence in the world, cultivate a conscious awareness of your unity with Spirit. Expect good in your own life, desire good for all others as well. See and affirm abundant blessings of peace, health, and plenty for everyone. Align your thoughts with peace and happiness, and realize that these qualities are your true nature. – Kathy Juline

We have all heard the statement in many rehabilitation programs “admittance is the first step”; this is true to most of life’s obstacles and challenges, and knowing “what” the issue is and admitting that there is as issue is the first step. Having a plan to change that issue and to allow the peace in the situation to comfort the changes you are making should be close behind.

I am still fighting my pride and holding back on the peace that should come from knowing that I could be a positive force in my family’s development and not another issue to overcome.  The lies I tell myself and the walls I create to hold people at arm’s length are holding me back from the future I desire. So as I choose to again change the course I travel, I will also learn to open my arms and welcome the love and peace others have to offer.  

Let Go, Slow Down


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I tend to lose myself looking for myself, I know it sounds confusing, let me rephrase that. I spend so much time looking for who I am and who I want to be I forget to let today be today and what is happening right now is robbed by my seeking for what I feel “ should be”.

I miss so much, I lose out on the beauty of what is right in front of me by over processing the past and over planning for the future. One can never be changed and the other is not a guarantee, so why do I think its logical at all that I spend so much energy on both…

As I talked to someone recently that is very close to me something was said to me, and what was said was like a light bulb, it was an “ah ha” moment..

I miss out on so much and the “being here and now” is far from the way I live my life. I need to slow down, I need to live in the now and I need to love in the now.

Today began at about 3:15am as I reached over and re-set my alarm for 5am, today I skipped the gym, today I wanted to spend one more hour in bed with my wife. Although I did not go back to sleep it was nice to just lay there and rest knowing I did not have to hurry and get to the gym and rush through a workout so that I can make it to work on time only to rush through my shift… To rush seems to be a common goal in my life.

I was recently told that I have changed and that my current change is not a desirable one.  This hurt to hear, and was even more painful knowing who it came from, someone so close to me. I haven’t allowed those words to leave the front of my mind. I think that it is something I have needed to hear for a long time and in a way I am glad it was from who it was from, someone that I hold dear to my heart and value their words deeply. Anyone else and it would have been disregarded and forgotten.

I have lost my passion; I have allowed my spark to dim and worst of all I have embraced the changes that have made me into someone I never wanted to become. So where to begin the change? How do I begin the change?

I feel beaten down, I feel worn thin and I feel tired of the fight between my heart and mind, knowing neither has ever “won” in the long run.

What I process with my heart only seems to stir my mind and what stirs my mind tends to leave a void in my heart, and so the cycle continues.

Thinking about how I process by trying to use logical thinking when it comes to the heart and using emotions when it comes to my mind.  So I chose to begin right now, today, this minute! I know what I can be and see the desires of my heart. Today I chose to break the mind and mend the heart, and to learn to use them together as one filter as to how I see life. I’m sure this will take some time and I will not get it right the first time, most likely not the second either.

I am sure this will be a topic of discussion for a while especially with the one who spoke this desire to change into existence. My words for today are “Let go, and slow down”

People travel to wonder at the height of mountains,
at the huge waves of the sea,
at the long courses of rivers,
at the vast compass of the ocean,
at the circular motion of the stars;
and they pass by themselves without wondering.

– St. Augustine

How many times have I passed by myself only to lose a part of who I am as payment for not taking care of who I am?

How can I be anything to anyone if I’m nothing to myself?

Let Go, Slow Down…

Daughter


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The second I heard the words from your mother’s lips “we are going to have a baby” my heart changed, I had become a father. I became responsible for another human life and responsible to help your mother through some of the toughest times from that moment on.

No going back, no giving up, no saying “ I don’t think I can do this” I was all in and to this day am all in. Every day (good or not so good) you are both a blessing to me, you are a special gift to me and your mother, little pieces of the love that we share, walking, talking, attitude filled pieces of our hearts.

I only get you for a short time, and in this time I know I have and will make mistakes, I know we will have days that we do not want to speak to one another and I know we will have days we think we are better off without one another in our lives and I know the love I have for you both is much greater than any of that. It is greater than any love I have for anyone in the world with two exceptions, one being God and two being your mother…

The day will come when you move on and begin a life with the one you call love, just rememver you will always be my little girls and remember I was given the responsibility to protect, love and look after you and until my last breath and I swear to do just that.

I love you both far beyond where words reach.

Choices of Vision


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As I navigate through my life comparing and seeing my faults, my hope is destroyed. Lying in bed scrolling through Facebook it always starts out with joy to see what is happening in the world of friends and after a very short time begins to wear at my soul. The thoughts begin; “man they have a very nice Pinterest house” or “their family looks amazing” when in reality social media is nothing but a filter that we control; only putting up the “best of the best”.

I am not saying I am on the road to unhappiness or that my family life is not an amazing blessing, I just get worn thin with stimulation overload from the “seemingly perfect” life that we all post about. What begins as a joyful journey into social media quickly turns into a hope stealer and an unpleasant wave of “blah”.

This is my struggle, the struggle of comparison: look at how fit he is, look at their house, and look at the Sti he has…. Am I angry or bitter? Am I coveting what others have? It does from time to time make me re-examine what I think I have.

It is in that reexamination of my life where my joy begins to rise up, look at what I have been blessed to have in my life, 2 beautiful, smart and talented daughters, an amazing wife of half my life and a great job. I feel proud of the accomplishments we have overcome and the life we have  created, yes there are some struggles and no we are not perfect so why torture myself with the comparison of others?

The journey between what you once were
and who you are now becoming
is where the dance of Life really takes place.
– Barbara De Angelis

Learning to dance when you want to hide, learning to laugh when you want to cry and learning to let go when you hold on with all of your life, THAT IS LIFE!

The struggle is becoming less and less the more I dig into the word and realize it does not matter what I am to this world what matters is who I am to this world. The people that surround us really have no weight when it comes to who we are.

God is the judge and the jury and has the final say on how I have lived my life. As I begin to realign my sight on whom and where I should compare my life to, the noise around me begins to calm. The voices of reason begin to come back and I am now able to hear the one voice that truly matters.

I will always fall short, I will always fail and I will always seek forgiveness for what I have done. Being a light in a dark room, being a quietness in the storm of life and being an example of Christ through how I love and show grace in my life.

When I see my life without the clutter of social media and with the filter through who I am in Jesus, I am a blessed man, blessed far beyond what I deserve. By my faith in the promise that has been made I am made strong and by His grace I am saved.

I am thankful for everyone who is in my life and as the group of loved one gets smaller and smaller the level of true love is apparent. I can see the pure love around me and I will let that feed my life..