I tend to lose myself looking for myself, I know it sounds confusing, let me rephrase that. I spend so much time looking for who I am and who I want to be I forget to let today be today and what is happening right now is robbed by my seeking for what I feel “ should be”.
I miss so much, I lose out on the beauty of what is right in front of me by over processing the past and over planning for the future. One can never be changed and the other is not a guarantee, so why do I think its logical at all that I spend so much energy on both…
As I talked to someone recently that is very close to me something was said to me, and what was said was like a light bulb, it was an “ah ha” moment..
I miss out on so much and the “being here and now” is far from the way I live my life. I need to slow down, I need to live in the now and I need to love in the now.
Today began at about 3:15am as I reached over and re-set my alarm for 5am, today I skipped the gym, today I wanted to spend one more hour in bed with my wife. Although I did not go back to sleep it was nice to just lay there and rest knowing I did not have to hurry and get to the gym and rush through a workout so that I can make it to work on time only to rush through my shift… To rush seems to be a common goal in my life.
I was recently told that I have changed and that my current change is not a desirable one. This hurt to hear, and was even more painful knowing who it came from, someone so close to me. I haven’t allowed those words to leave the front of my mind. I think that it is something I have needed to hear for a long time and in a way I am glad it was from who it was from, someone that I hold dear to my heart and value their words deeply. Anyone else and it would have been disregarded and forgotten.
I have lost my passion; I have allowed my spark to dim and worst of all I have embraced the changes that have made me into someone I never wanted to become. So where to begin the change? How do I begin the change?
I feel beaten down, I feel worn thin and I feel tired of the fight between my heart and mind, knowing neither has ever “won” in the long run.
What I process with my heart only seems to stir my mind and what stirs my mind tends to leave a void in my heart, and so the cycle continues.
Thinking about how I process by trying to use logical thinking when it comes to the heart and using emotions when it comes to my mind. So I chose to begin right now, today, this minute! I know what I can be and see the desires of my heart. Today I chose to break the mind and mend the heart, and to learn to use them together as one filter as to how I see life. I’m sure this will take some time and I will not get it right the first time, most likely not the second either.
I am sure this will be a topic of discussion for a while especially with the one who spoke this desire to change into existence. My words for today are “Let go, and slow down”
People travel to wonder at the height of mountains,
at the huge waves of the sea,
at the long courses of rivers,
at the vast compass of the ocean,
at the circular motion of the stars;
and they pass by themselves without wondering.
– St. Augustine
How many times have I passed by myself only to lose a part of who I am as payment for not taking care of who I am?
How can I be anything to anyone if I’m nothing to myself?
Let Go, Slow Down…