What is it that fuels your passion?
How is it that you are fed to continue with this seemingly impossible life?
Is it being with friends?
Being alone with a book?
Is it spending one on one time with a loved one or a close friend.
Most feel all of these at one time or another, for myself I have discovered a deep desire to have more male friends and to learn to connect with men.
All my life I have had a stigma surrounding any men in my life. It comes down to trust and a desire to be open with men. My motto was “can’t hurt me if I don’t put myself out there” the entire time dying inside for a fatherly connection.
My father and mother had me at a young age; An age where they were not ready to have children and settle down. I was a product of a crazy lifestyle and careless circumstances. I thank them for having me and caring for me as good as they could and still I feel like I have always been missing something, it is trust.
Trust is described as a firm belief in the reliability, ability, or strength of someone or something.
I lack trust, and trust is the basis of all connection with others. In the past I fought to feel safety from others by not connecting with them, this made for a lonely, shallow and secluded life.
I never felt safe, I never felt needed or wanted, even if I was wanted their actions stated otherwise. My fire comes from what I desired so badly and lacked in my childhood. The desire to be of some use, to be helpful and needed. I desire to be an influence and positive force in the lives of my friends and family.
My goal in life is to never become what hurts me the most; Abandoned
The relationship I have with my mother and father are not what I would like them to be. The time that separates us only feeds the wounds of abandonment in my heart. As much as I burn inside to feel what it is like to be the child that had the loving supportive family I use that wound to dig deep and strive to meet our daughters needs. I stand today with my head high and my heart full of pride as a father that overcame the circumstances of my childhood.
2015 marks 15 years of marriage to the mother of our children and love of my life and through the struggles of our lives I have learned to love my parents and understand the hardships they faced were not met with the intention of overcoming. I will not fall without getting back up and I will not seek another idol to replace what is missing in my soul.