You Are Still One Amazing Woman


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Life and death both come with their own affliction. I knew the day would come that I would have to say goodbye, and there is no preparation that I could do for when that day came.

Losing someone you love is never easy, there is no “right time or good way” to see someone pass. However what I was able to be a part of yesterday, surrounded by loved ones was nothing less than beautiful. As a family we talked, laughed and cried. As a family we were able to say goodbye to a mother, grandmother and a great grandmother. She was the glue in so many people’s lives, she was one of the softest women I have ever met, and as I explained to the family through the stories we shared, I had a special way of seeing the rage of a 4 foot tall Irish woman.

I had a bond with her that was special, she was there for me when I had nothing, she was my comfort in the chaos of my youth and the strength when I needed protection. She was my everything when I was young and as I grew older and moved into my adulthood she was always there for me for anything I needed.

Over the last few years I fell away from her and most of the family, with the struggles of adulthood I began to pull away and stand on my own feet.

I became selfish with giving back to her and I regret the time I missed the last few years. My heart breaks as I begin the process of grieving the loss of someone I loved so much. Yesterday as a family we decided to remove her oxygen and let her pass. I had the honor to stand in front of her and tell her “I love you” one last time as I removed her nasal cannulae. As a family we sat and waited as she took her last breath.

The loss I felt at that moment words cannot describe, my mind still has a hard time accepting the she is gone.

There are so many things I remember about her, but the one thing every kid in Oakwood will remember was her gift of giving food. She made the best pickles I have ever had in my life.

“Laugh at yourself and at life.
Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity,
but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain,
cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective
that seemingly terrible defeat and worry
with laughter at your predicaments,
thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution
that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously”. – Og Mandino

You will be missed, you will be remembered and you are still loved like you were here.
I love you grandma Jenkins

Permanence


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As a child I clearly remember dreaming about today, October 21, 2015 from the movie Back to The Future. Today is that day!

Wow, what will it be like? Will cars be able to fly? Will we really be wearing those crazy cloths? I know you are most likely saying “he is really writing about Back to The Future” continue reading and make up your own assumption.

These were the important questions in my life at that time. As I aged those questions began to become less and less important. That is how life goes, what was once “so important” tends to fade away and take the back seat to new visions and dreams. Even relationships can fade, become estranged and even toxic.

Time and space, which is a new concept for me and learning about the time and space has been very up and down. I have always been a very busy man, with seemingly endless “work” to do, raising two daughters, a home, dinner, homework, bedtime routines. There never seemed to be enough time to take time for myself, time to decompress from the stress of life.

Currently I have moved out on my own through some tough life changes and going from the fast paced life of a fulltime father to a single parent with 50/50 has given me WAY more free time than I have ever had in my life. Finding the time to decompress is no longer a problem, it’s the other 7 hours in the day that tend to give me the issues.

“Put some distance between yourself and whatever is concerning you.
Distance in space or time always creates a new perspective.
Take time to contemplate – away from the opinions and influence of others –
what you really want and what you believe to be important in your life”.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

What is important in life is constantly changing and evolving, flowing and drifting. Yes even family, friends and relationships. Noting in life is permanent, nothing last forever and that is the beauty of it. With no permanence in life it opens the option to make what has been broken mended and what has never been can be found. Learning to take time for myself and doing the things that free my soul and fill my heart  and it has been the greatest experience in my life. It has taken me to step out of what I thought was permanent and to open up to the possibilities that I never knew existed in my life.   

“Winners have the ability to step back from the canvas of their lives like an artist gaining perspective”.
– Denis Waitley

Take the step away from what you think you know about your life, you just might find out there can be so much more than you could have ever have imagined possible. I have found a new love in many things that I dabbled in before, and I have the opportunity to enjoy them at a deeper level. I have opened up the door in my life that I have had closed out of fear. We fear what we do not know, what we do not understand and in some cases we fear what is not even there in the first place.

After stepping through the door of fear I have found a new beauty on the other side, a new opportunity and new passion. Fear will never rule my life again, passion will.

Good Enough


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“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. – Thomas Merton

Well, if that isn’t sobering….
It makes me think about times in my life that I have simply given up, “eh that’s good enough” and moved on.

It’s never too late to be what you have imagined yourself as. Choose never to be unhappy with your current accomplishments in life; strive to reach excellence in all that truly matter in life.

Even in the disasters of life there can be beauty. Beauty in growth and overcoming what you imagined would destroy you; beauty in seeing that what you once thought would kill you only makes you stronger. 

Our lives are not a one way street that we just along for the ride, it is more like a superhighway of roads that twist and turn in every direction imaginable. Don’t set your life on cruise control and do not just sit back and say “eh this is good enough” the choice is ours to begin and finish, start and stop, and open and close doors in our lives. 

“Good enough never is”. – Debbi Fields

Our Rooms


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The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age,
which mean never losing your enthusiasm”.– Aldous Huxley

 

Enthusiasm is not the same as just being excited.
One gets excited about going on a roller coaster.
One becomes enthusiastic about creating and building a roller coaster“. – Bo Bennett

Being enthusiastic to build a future that I was not intending on building has a huge level of fear that comes along with the excitement.

Picture this in your mind, you are living in a room, you know everyone in this room, you are familiar with everything in the room, the pictures, furniture and even the smell of the room and that room is “the vision” and you have been used to seeing this room for many years and then someone turned off the lights and when the lights came back on you were in a totally different room with different people, different furniture, pictures and smells.

Excitement and fear, happiness and sadness, lost and found feelings.. Ambivalence

One thing I have learned through this experience is that what you think will kill you might just make you stronger and what you think “this is all there is in life” is a preconceived misconception of reality. Life is not based on what or who is in your life, life is based on what you give of your life. We are all equipped to do exactly what it is we are supposed to do, in most cases we simply choose not to. I choose to see this new room as a chance again to expand on what I already have. Yes I miss those who I shared my room with and those that I may never see again other than in passing, and I will not let my life be seen as a failure or allow myself to fall apart. I choose when I give up, life is too short to live with the fear of uncertainty.