Tonight I realized something about how I have lived for the last 20 years.
I see myself as more sensitive than most men, not into sports, not partying, fighting or seeking my “man cave” to run from the women in my life.
I enjoy relationships, I want a relationship with people. I want others to see that I’m genuine, honest, selfless and caring. In the eyes of the world those traits are seen as not being “manly”.
Here it is, I have been questioned many times throughout my life about my sexuality. How do you think that makes a man feel? I already have a preconceived idea of what a man is and for a very long time I thought I feel short of that.
In my life have 2 daughters, my girlfriend also has 2 daughters, most of my family is made up of females. I was raised by a single mother, I had more friends that were girls all my life and honestly just understand more about woman than men. I have always struggled with fitting in with men and the testosterone filled male groups such as football, Basketball and pretty much any sport.
I found myself alone a lot growing up, and it wasn’t because I didn’t have any friends, I had tons of people that called me friend. But did they even know me?
Do they know that I get lost in my music, that I crave the beauty of the world and I love art. Do they know that I have pain from my past that haunts my dreams so I don’t sleep much? Do they know all I want is to be accepted as I am?
Yes some have, a very few select people in my life know my deepest wounds, my passions and my desires for life.
It is 12:00 am Easter morning 2016.
This is the day Jesus rose from the dead to take his place next to the father.
Until this year I felt I had a purpose every second of every day, to protect my daughters, my home and to support a family. Tonight I am alone, and I feel at peace inside with this.
This is my right of passage as a man, I find it amazingly fitting that this is what my heart it telling me tonight. God had a plan for my life, I didn’t fail him, I simply took another road. He didn’t say “well he messed up” and move on leaving me.
Tonight I see I have been a man for a very long time and I am thankful for grace and blessings in my life tonight. I have many wonderful people in my life I just forget to look around sometimes.
To all my loved ones, friends and people that are not family but just as close. I love you all and thank you for understanding me.
We all have something special inside, something truly unique that we have been given to share, when you find it you will know.
Tonight I found that I am an un-perfect man created in the image of a perfect God. I am thankful for everything I have and everything that I had, everything that will be and everything that has been.
It’s not about what I think, what you think or if I measure up. It’s not about religion, money or power. It’s about loving others and blessing with the gifts we have been given.