Our Illusion, Forever or For Now


Forever: For all future time; for always; Continually; Lasting or permanent.

This is a word I used like it was meaningless;
“You will be my best friend forever man”
“it’s taking forever to get there”
“I will love you forever”
The truth is there is no such thing as forever, there is “for now”. Don’t let that diminish how you live, just understand nothing on earth lasts forever.

I have a very hard time using that word now; it has a stigma surrounding it, it has an almost nails on the chalkboard sound when I hear it. I have a new respect for so many of the words I used on a daily basis. I feel that nothing can be assured in life, which in a way is a blessing and relief.

The permanence of anything can cause entitlement or misconstrued privilege. I have overcome so many illusions in life; this is one that hit me the hardest.

My illusion was that forever was real, today I plan to live my life “for now”.
Although I now know that forever is not realistic, I still plan to treat it like there is a forever and that is where my integrity is tested. Life has a way of slapping you in the face once in awhile, I’m learning to take the slap as a wakeup call not abuse and a warning that something in my life needs to be changed.

With this new life I have reached a new level of respect for so many things, my words, and my actions and to realize everything in life has significance.

Everything we do will impact someone somewhere somehow. I am humbled at how I have lived my life for so long, now is a great time to change some of the patterns I have held onto for so long.


It’s Never Too Late


“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove… But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child”. – Forest E. Witcraft

Days passing by like seconds, years like minutes and I watch as my daughters getting older, asking fewer questions, wanting less time with me, finding their independence and voicing their own opinions about life.

I try to hold onto the little moments I get during my time with them. In between all the homework, dinner, guitar lessons, appointments and gymnastics and while battling my natural desire to just get through the day and rest, I miss out. Most of the time never feeling I getting caught up enough to enjoy them.

The question I ask over and over is what does my life mean to my girls?
Am I just a man working day after day for a paycheck only to give it all away for stuff I really don’t need? What do I want my girls to remember, “Daddy always worked” or “my dad was a great dad” I know I’m a little of both and I know I’m a good father, there is so much room for improvement.

I know without a doubt my daughters love me, and to me that is not enough. I want them to know I’m here even when I’m not with them, I want them to feel safe knowing that when they fall I will help them back up and to find confidence in themselves because they are incredible little girls.

I have 3 years of high school with my oldest daughter and my youngest is going into middle school, how much time have I spent just trying to get through the day missing out on the opportunity to really spend time with my daughters, rushing them off to bed so I can have a little peace and quiet before I go to sleep, only to start the progression all over again the next day.

“There is beauty and adventure in the commonplace for those with eyes to see beyond”. – Jonathan Lockwood Huie

So I have made a decision, I will be broke, not work as much as I can, spend as much time with them as I can when I can and enjoy the little arguments, bickering, late nights and early mornings because one day soon that will all be gone. They will move on and living their own lives and I will not have them with me.

I am so thankful for the blessing I have been given to be a father and the only regrets I have are the things I thought about but never shared and the times I had a chance to be there and wasn’t. It’s never too late!

How Many Chains Hold You Down


“The path to happiness is forgiveness of everyone and gratitude for everything”. – Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I have been feeling this more and more over the last week. We only have so many days here and none of them are guaranteed. Why would I choose to live bound to anger, bitterness, resentment or even hate.

I have lived holding onto grudges, resentment and hate for a large part of my life, some of the people I held these feelings against may not even know, so who’s life was impacted?

My life!

I was holding myself captive and preventive the fill purposes of my heart and letting go of those emotions is better than words can describe.

I am looking forward to 2016 and that it will be a freeing year, free from everything I have held onto for longer than I can remember.  

Running from Life


Today I came into work rushing and flustered, struggling to figure out everything I needed to begin my day. The second I arrived the busyness began, and one thing after another turned minutes into hours.

“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another – and ourselves”. – Jack Kornfield

Day after day this tends to be our reality, losing touch with friends, family and love ones. The never ending carrot on a rope begin dangled in our face, just out of reach and never satisfied with the taste of just one bite.

One hour turns into a day, day into a week and before you know it years have passed by. The Relationships that once meant the world to me are now a distant memory of the past and friends that I see in passing only to say a quick hello as I scurry by on my missions in life have begun to making me feel empty. Is this what life becomes if we do not take time for ourselves and for one another?

One day when the busyness of the world uses us up and we become too tired to carry on, where will that leave us?

I remember as a child thinking “how great is it going to be to be a teenager”

As a teenager thinking to myself “this sucks, I can’t wait to be an adult and on my own”

Now that I’m an adult I catch myself dreaming of the days I gave up so willingly and just couldn’t wait to get over with. I remember getting my license like it was yesterday, that was almost 20 years ago now.

Now that I have reached the last step in the “goals of life” I am beginning to realize how much I should love and cherish every day, everyone in my life, my friends and family, because one day they will not be here. My daughters will soon be past the point of needing me as a provider and be off on their own adventures in life.

“Wherever I am, the world comes after me, it offers me its busyness, it does not believe that I do not want it”.  – Mary Oliver 

We have to live our lives with intention and passion, with endless love, forgiveness and without limits.

This year I want to try to focus on the five actions above and all five will take courage and to forget my pride long enough to step through the doorway.

I have so many chances at life; I’m not sure how many, I have lost count at all the blessings I have received over my 35 years here! Every once in a while its nice to think of the gifts and blessings we have and to be humbled at how many chances in life we have been given to start again.