“Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact”. – William James
Some days I just do not want to get out of bed let alone put a smile on my face and interact with people. This time of year in Michigan can really bring that feeling out in me. Bitter cold, grey sky and we all know what is on the way, a ton of snow. I personally do not like anything about winter other than snow on Christmas, even that I could live without.
Every year around this time I begin to feel this feeling of hopelessness as winter sets in, a feeling of “well, let’s just get this over with”, however today my heart breaks to hear of the loss of another life from a topic very hard to talk about.
I would like to talk a little about something quite a bit more serious that has impacted my life and many others deeply, many have not healed, and some never quite recovering from the pain and loss; something that hits many people at the deepest space in their heart, suicide.
Even the word sends a chill to the bone.
This is very real to me; I have been there in my younger years. I remember thinking if this is life I don’t want it or any part of it. Night after night lying in bed staring at my walls thinking how I could end it all, never having enough courage to completely let go. I found relief in alcohol at the age of 15 and never had a shortage of it living with parents that drank and friends that shared the same interest in drinking.
I went from drug to drug trying to find the right feeling of relief however always coming back to alcohol. The changing point in my life was the moment I realized that I had to control my life and to become responsible for another life, if I don’t try or excerpt any effort into my life that is exactly what I was going to get out of it, nothing. The moment this was my first daughter’s birth, May 31, 2001 I was 20.
I remember thinking to myself “this day is the day everything changes” and it began to change. My friends began to drift away as I created a cocoon for myself in hopes of never showing my baby girl any of the life I had. I didn’t drink for almost 5 years, no drugs and lost almost all of my friends. I focused everything on our new baby and working to create a better life for her.
If you have ever felt the torment, you may relate with my suggestion of helping. Sometimes all they need is someone to lay and stare at the walls with, not to rescue them. Someone to just sit and listen to music as loud as you can, not to talk. Just having someone is in some cases enough.
When you lose someone to suicide the mourning process is not the same as someone that passes under “normal circumstances”; even illnesses, Cancer or accidental do not impact as deeply as someone choosing to take their life.
“Choose your goal and keep your eye on it. Never give up. Perhaps you will need to change your plan and approach you goal from a different direction, but don’t quit. Keep thinking. Keep re-planning. Keep going”. – Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In loving memory of all that have lost the battle of life and for those who are left to hold the pieces of that loss. My heart goes out to a family that needs love today for the loss of a family member. I will not name them or reference them out of total respect. I love you and today my heart breaks with you for the loss of our loved one.