“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections”. – Anonymous
I haven’t written in a while, I have been feeling a little blah and not really inspired by anything to write.
Over the last couple weeks I have been thinking a lot about this time of year and what it once meant as opposed to what it means today. Neither are negative so to speak, yet so contrasting one another and hard to grasp at times.
At the same time I’m processing the changes in my life I also have felt a huge drift from my girls, they are growing up. Daddy time is becoming less desirable, especially to my oldest daughter. Then it hits me, she’s a sophomore in high school quickly approaching the end of her sophomore year, which leaves two years of high school. I’m losing my first born baby and it’s tearing at my heart, I’m not ready to let go.
I know this is just another phase in life but I feel I can spend time with them now that it’s just the three of us. With over 75% of everything I do involving them what will I do with the time I have that is enviably coming?
Some of you may be saying “I’d be happy to see my kids go” well when you focused so much of your effort and time on trying to fix, maintain and hold together a relationship that was clearly not meant to work out and too often my girls were pushed aside. Now I have time and energy to focus on them, and I feel I missed so much. I truly believe everything in life is part of our journey that will either take us closer or further from what and who we are supposed to be, I really feel that my divorce was a blessing for both of us, and at times a hard pill to swallow.
Where does that leave my girls, stuck with decisions that they didn’t choose and don’t fully understand, living in another broken home, a blended family and wounds from me and their mother that will one day have to be explained.
I usually try to keep my posts positive; and I also have to be honest with my feelings. This time of year IS hard for so many people; I see that now that the holidays are full of joy and sorrow, and it’s a choice what direction we continue walking.
So let me bring it back, I now have energy to spend quality time with my girls and have a peaceful relationship to a woman that has had such a similar journey to mine, goals, passion and even how we think so alike. From the beginning we based everything on respect, honesty and our girls being the first priority, so for once I have the desire to make changes in my life and focus on me and the girls while having a relationship, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.
I feel I need to end this with things I am thankful for.
I’m thankful for the love my daughters have for me, even after everything they went through.
I’m thankful for the family I have that cares about me so much, not everyone has that.
I’m thankful for opportunities at work that have opened up and sent me in a new direction in the business world and helping me provide for my family.
I’m thankful for a relationship with love, respect and honesty; I have spent so much energy fighting.
My life is not at all what I had envisioned, and at the same time I’m thankful for how it has changed. I am looking forward to seeing my future play out, where I go and what I do. I still have some goals that have never wavered, one day I want to write a book, I want a little house on a lake to hide from the busy lifestyle, I want my daughters to never have to ask, and does daddy love me and I also want someone in my life that to share it all with.
For the first time in a very long time I am not looking forward to the end of something as much as the beginnings.