I can remember when I was younger I viewed my self-worth by how people responded to me. If they like me, laugh at my jokes or interacted with me it was because I was worth it. At the same time, if they didn’t it was because I was not worth it, allowing others to control the power of how I perceive myself.
I never put any of this together until much later in life that some people simply do not click no matter how much you try. So I have gone through most of my life not feeling real confident in my own ability’s and gifts. This followed me into adulthood as I began to become great at working things out by charm and talking my way out of situations, in compensate for my lack of confidence.
Learning to say the right things at the right time and in some cases a little luck began to get me through. It wasn’t until I had to stand alone and remove myself from everyone around who I needed as comfort to me that I began to see how much I had to offer.
Today at the age of 36, I’m learning confidence comes from failing and trying again; learning from what didn’t work and having the mental strength and heart to stand up when you just want to curl up and die. Seeing that what everyone else thinks has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with them. I am not saying not to listen to positive criticism, I’m saying to actually listen, and change accordingly.
What I am about to say I have needed to say for a long time.
I learned so much about what not to do in life and focused everything I had on not doing what didn’t work that I totally disregarded the things in life I learned that did work. The best example is my past relationship with my ex. I will not call it a failure; It simply was a time in my life that I learned so many lessons about what not to do and never looked at what to do. In all honesty we should have separated much sooner, however due to many unhealthy traits we continued our battle.
2 years later I can stand and take credit for my parts I failed to learn. Now I see what a healthy relationship should be, so in a way I’m thankful for the opportunity to stand on my own and learn who I am and what I am capable of.
I learned to be great at hiding over the years so finding myself took a walk that lasted many months and cover close to 2000 miles. After I found the boy who had been forgotten I found a love that complements who I am as well as allows me to continue to grow.
I know you are struggling today and trying to make sense of one of the hardest struggles in life. I can tell you from being on the other side that it won’t be easy but it will be worth it. Stay focused on all the positives, pray often, love the people in your life, and most importantly love yourself enough to get up every morning and do it again. You are worth loving.