Not Another Wall


On my expedition into life I have become very good at erecting walls, cutting people out, and even forgetting they exist completely. The downside to that is how to overcome my walls when a loved one comes up against one of them.

I have created them to withstand the strongest forces in life to ensure my hearts protection and I definitely didn’t plan to have doorways or windows to peak in and look around.

“Kindness is the light that dissolves all walls between souls, families, and nations”. – Paramahansa Yogananda

So how do I let someone in to look around when I myself have forgotten what is on the other side of the walls. I do not see myself falling into the same old mistakes in life, or I should say in the new life I have been given. But I do see a pattern of anxiety yet being fully occupied with longing moments. Dreaming to have a lake house, get the new wheels and tires for my car and maybe tint the windows. Yes, that’s it, I’m seeing the gains in the gym as I become in better shape than I have ever been. The changes in my life are a very welcome and exciting at times. I have no lack of ambitious daydreams in my life, what I lack sometimes is reality and honesty to myself of my current situations.

Where am I is a question I often ask myself and fail to wait for the answer before moving on to my next dream.

Sometimes I feel like I have a huge map full of elevation changes, full of life, printed in vivid color and precision however when I try to locate where I am on the map I have no idea, making it completely useless.

“The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”. – Marcel Proust

I want to learn about who I am, I want to know what it is that motivates me, what is it that feeds my heart and gives me the drive in life that I have. I want to learn how to feed my heart better and I have some pretty strong walls as well; furthermore I have no fear of failure in my life. I have learned that the failures in my life are only as powerful as the desire I have to overcome that failure. If you are willing to try harder than your desire to give up you cannot and will not fail.

The walls I have, the “safety” of my heart and all the lessons I have learned through my struggles would be futile if I didn’t learn from them and try again. I have my girls, I have my family and I have a love in my life that all feeds my heart and everything is going smoothly and beautifully.

  • So why won’t I risk more?
  • What am I holding back from?
  • Am I failing by not trying to grow deeper and reach for new levels in my life?
  • Am I playing it safe, thinking “if I don’t make any moves nothing will change” therefor everything will remain exactly as it is?
  • Do I self-sabotage creating myself to be right? As to say “see, I knew I wasn’t good enough” by failing and being right.

I want more out of life and this year I have been given an opportunity that I may not have been given. My life has been simply falling into place more and more as I listen to my heart, truly listen to it and let it guide me with no fear of the future.

  • How long have I been getting in my own way, and why didn’t I see this year’s ago?

2016 was the beginning of so many beautiful things, that momentum hasn’t stopped, as a matter of fact it has increased and spread into my employment and my relationships. I feel that I’m on the verge of something great and I have no fear of jumping this time. I say bring it and let’s see how this changes everything. Let the destruction of my walls begin, 2017 will be the year my walls fall and I welcome the new changes in my life.


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