When I woke up in the hospital this picture was on my wall. Not knowing fully what was going on, how bad it was or that I was literally fighting death. All I knew was something happened and I was clearly not in my bed.
What does a scar mean to you? Is it something that you try to hide or try to cover up? Does it hinder your joy for a day at the beach?
What about the scars that can’t be seen? How do they affect your life? Do you carry them tucked away as to say “I’ll never do that again” or do you use them as motivation to see how you acquired that scar. I’m not talking about blame, I’m talking about seeing and learning the part you had in creating the wound in the first place.
We all have them, some from surgery, trauma or a life event causing our body to hold the memory of what happened. Some are on the inside causing our lives to change directions and how we respond to others.
I’m learning to see the scars on my body as a representation of something I lived though and one in particular comes to mind, my stomach scar. That was a very close call, and could have been a very different outcome. It could have left my girls without a father is the first thing that hits me.
The scars on the inside, now those are a different story. Those are hidden from most yet my responses and interaction with those in my life make it clear I’m still healing from many of them.
So how do we heal? Sometimes walking away or cutting something out of your life is the first step.
What is is that causes the scab of our scars to be reopened? For me its always giving chance after chance to people that will clearly never reach the expectation I have in my mind for them.
So do I lower my expectation or do I cut them out? Are my expectations even reasonable?
Today I really feel like I’m standing still, and going back and forth, looking at my past and future. As to say “ok, that clearly didn’t work” how can I not do that again?
Maybe I’ll try something new, maybe I’ll give it another shot. What if I tried something I’ve never done before!
But what if that doesn’t work either; what then
Do I focus on schedules, details, and routines or do I just let life flow naturally. Letting life flow naturally has really spoken to my heart. So many things have came into my life by simply letting life happen.
Deep in my heart I feel I’m heading in the right direction, not because my life is easy, but because I feel peace with my decisions, even the hard ones. I also have faith that the scars will heal and fade away becoming nothing more than a reminder of life change that I made it though.
I’m learning to embrace the pain of an open wound and not to cover them up, let them breathe let the sunlight hit them and let them heal.